Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thanksgiving is the 'new' middle child

Folks...we have a injustice here on our hands.

A axis of evil is a work...known as the mega department store merchandising spirit of the holiday destroying monster.

I have had enough of this. Last I checked..Thanksgiving had reservations for the fourth Thursday in every November. Under the name Pilgrims and Native Americans. Did you not get the call?

I was shopping last week when all of a sudden the department store announcer came over the loud speaker to announce how many days left till Christmas.

I would prefer you keep that information to yourself..and save that guilt trip for your husband..when you want him to go to Taco Bell and buy you a Fully Loaded Nacho Bowl..but he won't because he is watching football..and you tell him how your uterus gave him two beautiful children and you were treated like a lactating cow for months...and the least he could do was go get you a Full Loaded Nacho Bowl....because they are only for a limited time only...and you went to the liquor store for him last night to get his Vodka and tonic water....

Ooops..I got off on a un-biographical rant...where was I? Oh yes.

How dare they try and pull their holiday shopping mind games on ME!! I am filing a wrongful shopping lawsuit on Thanksgiving's behalf.

Departments stores go straight from Halloween to Christmas....completely skipping over poor Thanksgiving like a forgotten middle child. All for the big green money making machine known as Christmas.

They use Christmas like Michal Lohan uses Lindsay Lohan. Like Joe Jackson uses Michael Jackson's legacy. All they see is $$.

Just because you can't make as much money off Thanksgiving doesn't mean you can just push it aside like a red headed step child with halitosis and a limp in it's walk.

Holidays have feelings to.

Sure, pay all the attention to the over achieving eldest child..thank them for all the great revenue they earned on Halloween costumes and candy for the family....then pick up your youngest baby Jesus and squeeze and cuddle them, tell them how cute they are, thank them for black Friday..then turn to your middle child..Thanksgiving...and tell them to go take out the trash and clean up your toe nail clipping by your bedside.

I must stand up and fight for poor Thanksgiving. It is gonna develop all kinds of middle child syndrome traits if we don't act now. They often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention, can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child, they are loners. They are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by.

I can't have a emotionally unstable Thanksgiving on my calendar. Have it acting like this. Not caring about cooking my turkey...only mashing my potatoes enough for them to qualify as mashed..but they till have lumps in them. I can't have him feeling insecure about his stuffing recipe. He needs to know he belongs in the kitchen..cooking my feast! The Hussy has high standards.

So a note to department store announcers: Please refrain from announcing how many days till Christmas while I am shopping. I am tired of Thanksgiving getting a raw deal. Your attempt to put pressure on me is a waste of your time.

Cause I don't have any money left to spend in your store...I spent all my money on Vodka and Fully Loaded Nachos.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Fight for the Injustice of Monday!

Monday gets a bad rap...and it started with Garfield.

I like to set Monday off right.

Show it a good time, and then pay the tab.

Let it know that while everyone else says they hate him..that I love him like Michale Jackson loved propofol.

That if Monday and Saturday were both drowning, I would save Monday.

I would always ask Monday if they "would accept this rose?"

Take it on the Rock of Love bus with me.

I would never take Monday to "my special little spot"..shove strawberry boones down it's throat and take advantage of it.

Or ever Facebook status update that I was mad that it was here.

You would think with all this..I would get a little Monday love.

Nope.

This is just a example of how you know your week is off to a fan-tab-u-lous start.
Just another fine example of why I have to pass out booze and pills like Kool-aid and fruit snacks.

Nothing like this to help my "have to be in a bridesmaids dress in 5 days diet plan." You know, when your car smells like pizza for weeks. Good times.

Thank you Monday for always keeping it exciting. What would I do without the spice in my life?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Friday Facts

1. Eagles see better than humans on clear days, humans see better than eagles on foggy days.
2. Sex survey: More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month.
3. Kentucky Fried Chicken's Col. Sanders was actually born in Indiana.
4. The average mattress will double it's weight in ten years as a result of being filled with dust mites and their detritus.
5. Hard to swallow: 9% of the world's ostriches suffer from eating disorders.
6. The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.
7. "Tug of war" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
8. How many hairs on your head? If you're blond, about 150,000, brunette, 100,000, redhead 60,000.
9. There are 10 doctors in the United States whose last name is "Nurse."
10. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am not textually active..I am still waiting to have text with the wrong person.

Ok...that used to be true.

I was not textually active. But then my friends were all doing it. They were all saying how great it was. How if felt good to text and it wouldn't hurt. That nobody had to know. It would make me cooler and more popular.

All I had to do was keep my little dirty texting secret from the police while driving. Do it under the table while at dinner.

I did start to feel the pressure to be in the "Text Crowd." What was I missing out on?
Everyone else was doing it. I wouldn't be hurting anyone. No harm done.

I promised myself to text responsibly. To get on text control immediately!

No texting while driving...(Dangerous)
No texting during dinner or while talking to friends....(Rude)
No texting while on the toilet...(Unsanitary)
*ok..I have broke that one..but I did wash my phone afterwards*

No one-night-texts. Not to give my text messages just out to anyone...it is a special gift. I will wait for the right person. I have to know a person at least 5 minutes before I feel comfortable enough with them to have text.

No haveing multiple text partners...texting hunders of texts a month.

I promised to be safe...I don't want to get any STD's (Stiff Thumb Disorders) that can lead to textitis. I do use protection. I have a protective screen cover.

I am officially Twittering..Facebooking..and Texting on the go...in public. Who knew what I was missing out on all these years.

And remember folks..if you are textually active to..please text reasonably.
Know who you are texting.