Monday, March 30, 2009

Lurky..Lurky, Who?

Yeah...you. Lurky..Lurky..you.
Actually, you are all way better looking than him. I, in no way was saying any of you look like this Lurky. Umm....actually....I won't say what he really looks like.

No, I will.

This Lurky is playing on both teams if you catch my drift. Is a hermaphrodite. One wax deprived, confused soul. A Gyno's worst nightmare.

I am already getting sidetracked. Like I was blogging, I see all you lurker readers out there. I was just wondering who you all are? Come out, come out..where ever you lurk!

This leads me to the Hussy's next performance. A song dedication to you all. To let you now what your lurking does to me emotionally. Why I need to know who is reading/blogging me.

So please hit play on my video...and follow along with the Hussy lyrics below:



Who's watching
Tell me, who's reading
Who's blogging me

I'm just an average women
Housewife with an average life
I slack from nine to five
Hey, hell, I am worth the price
All I want is for you to say hello
At my average blog
Why do I always feel
Like I'm in the medicated zone all alone?

And (I always feel like)
(Somebody's watching me)
I blog my privacy
Whooooa-oh-oh
(I always feel like)
(Somebody's reading me)
Tell me, is it just a medicated dream

When I blog at home late at night
I lock up my pills and booze real tight
People email on my blog
offering cash for my stash
But can the people on my computer monitor see me
Or am I just high and paranoid?

When I'm in the shower
I'm afraid to wash my hair
'Cause I might open my eyes
And find someoneblogging there
People say I'm crazy and deranged
Just a little trashed
But maybe showers remind me
Of Psycho too much
That's why

(I always feel like)
(Somebody's watching me)
I blog my privacy
Whooooa, oh-oh
(I always feel like)
(Somebody's reading me)
Who's turning tricks on the Hussy?

[Instrumental Interlude]

(Who's reading me)
I don't know anymore
Are the neighbors reading me
(Who's blogging)
Well, is the mailman reading me
(Tell me, who's watching)
And I don't feel sober anymore
Oh, I am such a mess
I wonder who's blogging me now
(Who)
The ATF?

(I always feel like)
(Somebody's blogging me)
I don't want my privacy
Whooooa, oh-oh
(I always feel like)
(Somebody's reading me)
Tell me, is it just a drug induced dream?

(I always feel like)
(Somebody's blogging me)
I don't want my privacy
Whooooa, oh-oh
(I always feel like)
(Somebody's reading me)
Who's turning tricks on the Hussy
Who's reading the Hussy Housewife?

Don't worry..I won't show up boozed, and trying to sell oranges at your work. One of the reasons for this disclosure...is I want to make another Hussy video production. Make a video of all my loyal readers. Yes....YOU! How can I do that if I don't know some of you lurkers?

So come out of your hiding, tell me a little about yourself. Well, just the good..juicy stuff. Raise your right hand and yell, "I have the sickness too!"

State your Name, Rank, and favorite kind of cereal!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Friday Facts

1. Q: What is the fastest two-footed animal on Earth? A: The ostrich.
2. The ratio of lobbyists to senators in Washington, D.C. is 71 to 1.
3. Most popular junk food in New England: potato chips. In the Southeastern U.S.: cheese puffs.
4. Twelve most-often-used letters in the alphabet: E,T,A,O,I,N,S,H,R,D,L,U.
5. Danny Thomas's real name was Muzyad Yakhoob.
6. Twenty-three percent of Americans say it is OK for a wife to slap her husband.
7. Ten percent of Americans say it is OK for a husband to slap his wife.
8. In a recent study, 38% of American men said, "they love their cars more than women."
9. More Oklahoma households own dogs that in any other state. Texas comes in second.
10. McDonald's restaurants reportedly make about 40% of their profits from "Happy Meals."

*how many of you had to Google Danny Thomas?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cleaning out the Fridge again today..

There are a few Hussy blog items that need to be mentioned here, and addressed. Like leftovers that keep getting shoved to the back...and forgotten about. Left to mold..and grow a cure for cancer. Well, now is the time for me to open up the mystery containers.

I would like to dedicate this post to all the moldy leftovers in the back of your fridges. Left and forgotten about like they don't matter, don't have a voice. Just tossed out like Lindsay Lohan's career. I want you to know, the Hussy cares. She thinks you are special to.

On to the biz. I would like to first thank all my drunk and deranged readers for their die hard Hussy love. For all those of you who comment, follow, or subscribe. Or who choose to show their Hussy Housewife dedication in other ways:You all sure do cut it in my book. You really know how to show your love. I really ♥love♥ you all. You are the reason I continue to blog. Otherwise, I would just keep my delusional shenanigan thoughts to myself. Just like my parole officer recommended.

I would like to thank everyone for their link love and tags I have gotten over the past few months:

*Just Jen*
Etta
Quirkyloon
The Mad Mad Potter- She even made a award just for me *blush*She is not biased or anything....she is my cuz after all!! Thanks GIRLS!! The money is in the mail! Someday I will get around maybe to doing a tag. The awards are now in my trophy case!

In other unrelated Hussy news, in my blog transition to my .com address....I lost my blog *riggity riggity* roll. So I haven't made it to many of your blogs to read and comment. I am sorry. I am gonna get that up and going here..like today! Once I find all you again. I just have some of you on my reader. You may have to leave a comment so I can find you. Remember..I have a short attention span!

Last but not least..you have to go here..forThe Hussy's Slang Word of the Week..and see who won the last one...and to play this weeks! Don't be a tool!

Monday, March 23, 2009

In other reality related news...

Yes...and then nobody gets hurt that way. It is a win..win situation. You get to keep your head and I get my fix. So don't try to take it away from me.

It does not mean, I am shallow. It is for scientific research purposes only. I am studying human behavior. How Homo Sapiens react in stressful, semi scripted, alcohol induced situations. It is like crack for all us people-watchers out there.

You know how we roll...the ones observing strange human behavior in a large crowd near you. The ones sitting on the bench in the mall. Being reassured with every observance...that yeah..we don't have it so bad after all. Compared to them, we have as much grace and pose as Jacquelin Kennedy. We love watching frows (freak shows) all over the world. Oh and the louder the better. Those are my FAVORITE ones! Easier to spot to.

So I know there is a lot of you lurkers and readers of mine out there that are just as hooked as I am. Hooked like Paris Hilton is at looking in the mirror. So lift your head up, and come out of the closet. I am out. Streeeeetch..feels great! Besides, like I said earlier...it is scientific research that we do. A human service we provide.

So, now on to the business at hand. I need to do a reality TV update/discussion/HOLY MEATLOAF can you believe that happened...post.

First up I must update you on my post I did, when I told you the steaks were high. When I explained that I was in a Survivor Pool...money on the line. That my player was...my chocolate sister Taj. How I asked all of you to root for her..so the Hussy could win. Despite a few of the hang ups she had going against her. Being a retired pop star and all. How I tried to stay positive. How the Hussy said quote,

"Then I thought, heh..this may be good. With the Obama fever going on, and it being Black History month....My chocolate sista and I may just have a shot at winning this survivor pool. As long as Al Sharpton doesn't opened his mouth in the next few months. We may be cool."

Well folks..things are looking a little shaky for Taj and I. Sure enough, because of a political cartoon in the New York Post: good ol' Al Sharpton hit the mic and media bliss. DOH!! I knew it! He couldn't just lay low long enough for this season of Survivor to be over? Hello? Did I not make myself clear AL? I got $150 dolla dolla bills YO, on the line. While Taj is still on the show..her torch not yet snuffed out, her tribe has not yet spoken, we are now on walking on a San Andreas Falut Line. She blabbed to her tribe that she was married to a NFL player...then on the next episode..she had a PMS women moment where she lost her cool..and almost got voted OUT!

So all your thoughts and prayers are needed. These are hard times for us. Taj is going through a difficult time right now. Please keep Taj and I in your morning prayers.

more reality news to come....

Friday, March 20, 2009

Friday Facts

1. There are more than 35 million ex-smokers in the U.S.
2. Seventy-three percent of women say they'd rather be "brilliant but plain" than "sexy but dumb."
3. People with heart disease are 2.4 times more likely to have a heart attack when they are angry.
4. It took Einstein five weeks to write his Theory of Relativity.
5. Among other things, the ancient Greeks invented counterfeiting.
6. The average American opens their fridge 22 times a day.
7. Emergency call: In the U.S. you dial 911; in Stockholm, Sweden, you dial 90000.
8. Tchaikovsky reportedly committed suicide by drinking cholera-contaminated water.
9. The average Japanese home has 7 times more clocks than the average American home does.
10. Car accidents are most likely at 1 a.m. on Sunday and least likely at 5 a.m. on Friday.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

My Long Distance Dedication

Time for me to get a little Casey Kasum on your arse. Some of you may or may not be aware of a little "situation" we have going on over at HumorBloggers. Our delirious mascot, Chester has been kittynapped. Taken by a group of cat bloggers who work for SLF, Siamese Liberation Front.

Chester has been missing since the end of February. We all have been searching trough every litter box. Ever tuna fish factory we can find. All have turned up nothing.

In due light of this, I wanted to send Chester a video dedication. To let him remember the good times we had together. A video to let him know we miss him, to not give up hope. We many be funny, we may be crazy, but we aren't dumb. We shall find you.......


These Cat Bloggers must not be the smartest turd in the litter box. That or high on catnip..to have messed with us over at Humorbloggers!

To be continued.....

Monday, March 16, 2009

Some Math, but it is not a problem

I made a a Hussy Math problem for you, my lovely readers whom I adore. It is not a problem though, at least that is what my life coach tells me.

No worries for all you that are just as bad at math as Bernie Madoff. You know, when the numbers just don't always add up?

This is a quick and easy (like me) simple type of math. You can all do it. This addresses any confusion you may have on who I, Jamie, am....and how I became a Hussy.
Remember...rehab is for quitters.

Now for the following Hussy public service announcement:

(HUSSY NOTICE: I have changed my blog address to http://www.thehussyhousewife.com To continue being Hussyfied, medicated, and corrupted..update yourself and your blogrolls! Don't leave the Hussy all alone..I may get crazier!)

Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday Facts

1. Americans fill in 54 acres of crossword puzzle space everyday.
2. The average Japanese drinks 4.8 gallons of liquor a year, the average American drinks 1.3 gallons.
3. 34% of U.S. men say meat makes up the largest portion of their diet, only 15% of women do. (sorry guys we don't want your meat :)
4. The end of the Cold War? Forty-eight U.S. spy rings were uncovered during the 1980's.
5. Q: Where are the world's largest sculptures? A: Mt. Rushmore.
6. Tired fact: During the work week, only 41% OF Americans get 7 or more nightly hours of sleep.
7. A dragonfly, the fastest insect, can move up to 35 m.p.h.
8. The double coconut palm produces the largest seeds (up to 60lbs.) in the plant kingdom.
9. Half of all Americans who visit psychiatrists are between the ages of 25 and 44.
10. Q: What do Cleopatra and John Wilkes Booth have in common?
A: Hussy will leave the answer in the comments....unless one of you beats me to it!!

(HUSSY NOTICE: I have changed my blog address to http://www.thehussyhousewife.com To continue being Hussyfied, medicated, and corrupted..update yourself and your blogrolls! Don't leave the Hussy all alone..I may get crazier!)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Slang Word of the Week

Normally I hold my SWOTW every other Wednesday over a the great Humorbloggers blog. This week our leader is out on booze run...and forgot about me. So I am posting this weeks SWOTW here on my blog.

The first of my announcements is last week's best "Street Talking Fool", the best use of the slang word in the comments. This weeks best jive talker/winner is:

Nanny Goats in Panties-

"Yo,yo,yo...why you be dissin' me like that? What, you don't think this booger hangin' out my grill is fly enough for ya?"

Because anything with the word booger is just down right street talking hardcore.

So what does the Nanny get? Well the Hussy has been hard at work making a badge for this prestigious award. One that you all could be proud to display on your blogs:

So now it is time to get back to Hussy business.

Read the definition. Then use the word in a sentence in the comments.

No pressure. Just be yourself.

Word of the Week: bomb

(HUSSY NOTICE: I have changed my blog address to http://www.thehussyhousewife.com To continue being Hussyfied, medicated, and corrupted..update yourself! Don't leave the Hussy all alone..I may get crazier!)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dwights Own Work Space

Really..can you imagine? I know..I know you can.
So last time we left my drunk and deranged cronies , my pirate LeatherFace and Dwight...Dwight was in trouble with the Hussy. For breaking his Hussy House arrest.

He tried to buy me off with his lucky rabbit's foot that smelled like WD40, but had been in his family for generations. Ummm, I don't drink so.

So I decided to put him, my lead Hussy lobbyist, to work as punishment. I told him, "Get to your office and research the pros and cons of me getting google analytics. I want a full PowerPoint presentation in the morning!" By which we replied, "I don't have a office." All you don't think I forgot about this. I promised him his own Office Space. I will deliver. I can do some labor...when I want to. If I can make a pipe out of a pop can, I can surely pull this off.

I have been working on Dwight's new office like Joan Rivers works on her face. The office may even turn out just as messed up looking.

First we need some supplies:

Scissors and Hussy work gloves
Yeah, a girl has gotta look good. That brown spot on the gloves may just be a chocolate stain.
Before demolition:
First 2 minutes, We got a desk, walls, chair, and book shelf:

Now time to add a few essentials. Like pictures of loved ones. A name plate. Company slogans and motto's:

Hussy Corporation Motto:"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or it gets the hose again."

Dwight must read this every morning when he gets to work. I like everyone to be moist.

Time for Hussy to bling this box out! Whaaa Laaaaa!

What do you think? Think he likes it?

He now has his office right next to mine. Now I can hear/see all his bribing, lobbying, payoffs, undercover work, crossbow skills, ninja and weaponry skills with ease. I can even smell his deer musk and urine he wears everyday to the office while I blog. You know, in case Red Dawn comes and we have to retreat to the Hussy Bunker. A survivalist is always prepared to kill for food:

He did a great Google Analytics presentation too. Numbers look good. May need more shipments of booze and pills to keep up with the demand though. Or maybe that was just me and LeatherFace again.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Hussy Update: When my life imitates my blog

HELLO!! I'm back Like Amy Whinehouse to the pubs in London!!
Whaaa? Can't I get a hoo haa? A..Ka-Kaw? A hooze cow?
Ummm, so you guys are just not talking to me now?
What? I am being shunned like Chris Brown?
No really..I am not taking these off. I look rough. Just look at me. To much Hussy fun going on these last 3 weeks. So I am gonna have to pull a Joaquin Phoenix on you. Yep, keeping the glasses on, and popping the bottle of crazy pills open. Oh..and move that beard of his a little more south. K...yep that's me.

Ok. Remember how I said I had excuses? How I just warned you about seeing my image appearing in a pancake or some sort of biological matter near you..and I then just left you on your own? To find your own little way in the economic crisis world? Well sorry. I do have more excuses than Oprah does on her weight gain.

I will state that I don't make up stories for my blog. Everything I blog about REALLY does happen to me. I am like Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote...every time I show up..you know something is about to go down. So my life tends to imitate my blog. Thus leads me to take blog breaks to sort out in my head, WTFudge brownies just happened? SO without further ado, I give you my excuses. They are coming in maybe's, what if's, kinda's and sort of's.

What if I was busy being a well renowned music producer. "You get a couple George Washington's for your beats..I get a couple graaand." Yeah. That is right. I had some beats to put together. Hope you all enjoyed my BlogStar Video.

Maybe I was busy guest posting for a good cause? Saving the world one boobie at a time? Helping men all across America get their own piece of the stimulus package. Charity and service is my passion. SO back up off the Hussy. I got a humanitarian award in my apron pocket.

I sort of thought that with my "Hussy as the new image in your toast" post..you guys thought that I had finally gone to far. Thus retaliating against me. HOW? I lost some followers --->> over there on the right. Yep, the numbers are down. That you had shunned me. Then I realized, nope. You are all still just as crazy and deranged as me, and still high on NyQuil too. It was just a Google mishap. They switched/upgraded their gadget. In the process..everyone lost followers. SO you may want to check and see if you jumped off the Hussy's shipwrecked pirate blog. You may be one of the lost boys now.

What' if I have been having to much fun playing with all my real life girlfriends and taking day trips. Like a few birthday party get-to-gethers, a VIP special invite girls night out, a 30th party, a karaoke performance by yours truly. One night which led the Hussy to the Impound Yard the next day. No worries, I was taking someone else to get their car. The suburban doesn't go out like that. Or shall I say, just doesn't get caught.

At one of these gatherings I was held hostage against my will to go watch a chick flick by several women. Hussy HATES chick flicks..or most movies in general. I was forced to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic." I had a few tall ones, and all I heard was the last part -holic. I thought sweet, and movie after my own blood alcohol level. Turns out not so much. I will never be able to get those precious buzzed hours of my life back.

Maybe I got sucked into a few more Hussy clubs. A birthday club of about 14 great new girls. My last club broke up after some people moved away. So I had my first night out with some awesome ladies. Also my dear friends have sucked/talked me into starting, and hand selecting a new Bunco girls group. Even after I just officially became a Bunco retiree about a year ago. I let them do all the work, as you know Hussy doesn't do work. I just made a few stipulations. Some Hussy demands. My stipulations:
1. No high school drama type girls. You know the type.
2. No OCD freaks shows..or as I like to say frows. You know the ones.
3. No Martha Stewart wannabes. This is Bunco people. Not a wedding reception.

Needless to say, we had our first game...and it was so FAN-TAB! I LOVE my new group. A great bunch of chill, fun, crazy gals. (For anyone in my old Bunco group who read my blog..this in no way says anything about you guys. You guys rocked to!)

What if I have been on a 20 day cleanse? Just finished it yesterday. First 10 days was parasitic, last 10 were intestinal. I feel great, and am no longer full of shit. But my eyes are still brown. Go figure. This cleanse at times required I spend more time on the toilet than at the computer blogging to you all. You know, the tuck..tighten..and run maneuver. Sorry. My blog in the mean time went all to shit, down the toilet per say.

I sorta was busy planning and gathering my outfit for my 80's party we had last weekend. I might have requested a song to the DJ, commanded everyone's attention, and done a Hussy performance of "Bright Eyes." I also maybe ended up AGAIN naked, crying and laughing in my closet again. Blog post with pictures soon to come.

I kinda of have been busy writing a "About Me" and picking a picture of me...for the book that I will be published in. More details coming!! Yeah! Hussy is off to rehab print.

What if I was busy reading the warnings on the back of a glow stick tube. To see what you do when the toxic radio active fluid goes into your child's eyes?

I sorta was busy catching up on my reality TV trash...and enjoying the Bachelor drama as it unfolded. Even though I watched spoilers on it weeks prior.

Maybe I was occupied with getting the Suburban all new tires since my last minivan mishap. You know, when I blogged/took pictures of my hot Les Schwab boy in tight jeans, fixing my flat tires for all you ladies out there. After dropping about $1200 on tires..I might have had a clear moment in my Hussy medicated brain for 30 seconds. 30 seconds when I realized I just wasted $1200 dollars..since I already have 4 new tires for my suburban..sitting in my dad's shop. DOH!

You see? This is what I have to live through. This is just 10% of the stories. Tired of my excuses yet? Please forgive my absence. I am ready to get to blogging.......

Monday, March 2, 2009

We ROCK like a BlogStar!

Hussy Spielberg is back with yet another video. Hot...right out of the Hussy's medicine cabinet. The medicine label for this video reads:

HumorBloggers Unite week 2009!

Me and all my peeps over at HumorBloggers.com are having our yearly "Take over the World" celebration all this week. We have lots of fun things planned, and will be leaving you in stitches. Enough stitches to require more medicine. Go there to find some of the best humor bloggers in the world!

Please read dosage instructions for this medicine video before proceeding further. The Hussy Housewife is NOT a doctor. This is not a Doctor prescribed video. Please consult your physician before watching the Hussy's mind altering videos. Studies have shown that prolonged exposure to the Hussy's blog and videos may result in delusional thoughts, a crush on the Hussy, a longing need to leave her a comment and/or follow her, put a poster of her on your wall, and severe night tremors.

Store this blog and Humorbloggers.com at room temperature. Keep The Hussy Housewife's blog/videos and Humorbloggers.com out of the reach of children, away from small pets and stuffed animals.

Do not watch if you have a history of having a stick up your arse, don't have a sense of humor, think you are better than everyone else, don't play well with others, and don't have a shrine of Chuck Norris in your home.

Please take watch 3x daily with or without booze. Results may vary.

This video is of me and all my fellow H to the B's. If you are a member...go look for yourself. Where's the Blogger? If you would like to post this video on your blog, go here. Enjoy. I give you:

"We ROCK like a Blog Star."


(If you are a HB'er and your cameo does not appear in this video..I am sorry. I tried to include everyone. I may have missed someone. Not on purpose. I, like a good American accept no responsibility for my own actions. Please blame the government. I am sure they had something to do with it.)