Friday, February 27, 2009

Friday Facts

1. 40% of M&M's are brown.
2. The Pinta was pint-sized: Columbus's third ship was only 50 feet long.
3. American's travel 1,144,721,000 miles by air everyday.
4. On strike: The average American goes bowling 233 times in their lifetime.
5. For the birds: The Swiss Army keeps 20,000 carrier pigeons for emergency communications.
6. Pirates thought that wearing an earring in a pierced ear improved their eyesight.
7. Sports stat: On average, for every 100,000 people who play football, 2,171 are seriously injured.
8. Americans spend $1,5 billion on toothpaste and $680 million on mouthwash every year.
9. Twenty-three percent of Americans who study abroad go to England; 12% go to France.
10. True lies: 57% of Americans say they "look younger" than they are.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tune in Tokyo ( ○ ) ( ○ ) Stimulus Package

{note: This post is the one I wrote for Crazy Mom Dani blog yesterday. I am posting this here on my blog for those of you that where to lazy to click on the link in my previous post. Ummm, no..really I see you lazy ones out there. Really? That many raising their hand? Come on...admit it. Finger to tired from picking your nose to click...read, and leave a comment? Trust me there is no gold up their in that nose..so show some support for Dani's boobies.}

This is the Hussy Housewife blogging.

I am here on blogging business.
Official Hussy blogging business.
Blogging you all a PSA of sorts.

Here to help my friend Dani over at "Mom' s Crazy Life" crunch some numbers.
To help get Mr. Crazy Dani stimulated.

As some of you already know, the Hussy Housewife ♥'s Dani. I am willing to help Dani in anyway I can. She is one of my best blogging buddies out there. She is a hardcore, and always has the Hussy's back. Hardcore as in...if we where in the grade school cafeteria....and someone was trying to steal my cherry flavored Capri Sun ...Dani would TOTALLY bust a training bra strap. Put her jelly glitter wearing foot up their arse for me.

So with that kind of loyalty, I have decided to help Dani fullfill a life long dream of hers. As we all know she calls herself the "President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee." She has been dreaming of a new pair of girls for a while. This dream has been low on the list of priorities. She is to busy corrupting financially funding her brood. When you have a soccer team of kids to take care of, college tuition to throw down. How can you justify a new pair of fun bags for Mr. Crazy Dani... and when Dani is alone in the bathtub? You can't...so you have to get creative for the cash.

Dani claims her boobs are like this:
(○) (○) umm I mean (.) (.) and she wants them like this ( ○ ) ( ○ )

Whoaaaa....TUNE IN TOKYO!

I have tried to help Dani out before with this issue. Give her good advice on how to properly stuff her training bra. Tried to lend her a chicken cutlet to stuff in there out of my freezer. Told her to keep it towards the bottom and outside of each cup. To sew it in to keep yourself safe from embarrassment or vegans. That wasn't enough for her, she wanted more. I was happy to give her my left one in exchange for a guest post on my blog, since I have been blessed with two large lactating devices. Two large milk jugs. I had enough milk to go around, to add to her morning coffee A-cup. Well then that didn't work either, she just kept leaning to the left and walking in circles. Getting dizzy and falling down. people thought she was a drunk like me.

This is where my PSA starts. My Public Service Announcement to all you who also belong to the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. While I am helping Dani achieve her life long goal of no longer having to lift, fold, and tuck her twins into the bra, I want to help you all out there too. So I came up with a plan on how you can afford the implants. You can thank Obama for this one. I got 4 words for ya:

2009 Economic Stimulus Package

Yep, I will be showing you all how the stimulus package will be paying for these new cupcakes. How all your husbands will be getting their own massive "stimulus package."

It involves the $13 a week part of the stimulus. Here is how it works and the math:

A average boob job cost about $5,500. So you just take the $13 dollars you get a week now and put them in a savings account. Double that if you have a hubby who works to. IF he is gonna get a massive stimulus package out of this..he needs to fork over his $13 a week to. Since Mr. Crazy Dani works to....Dani has $26 a week going into her "Fun Bags here we COME!" fund.

So $26 x 52 weeks a year = $1352 a year. $5,500 •/• by $1352 = 4 years till surgery!

So go help Dani get her new boobs:

Pay Your Part in the 2009 Stimulus Boob Project. Do your taxes today!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

The Hussy is guest posting....

Yeah, where am I? I can and will give you MANY excuses as to where I have been medicine cabinet raiding hiding. I do have some good Hussy reasons, and Hussy stories to tell you all. For today...these excuses and explanations will have to wait.

For I am blog hosting today....over at my good friends blog,
Dani the Crazy Mom. I am helping her with her own stimulus package. You better go find out why Mr. Dani will be tuning in Tokyo! Click on over to "This ain't to Effin Mom Blog."

Let me stimulate your minds!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Just like Jesus...you can see me in your toast

People see Jesus in toast, Easter eggs, and chips.
Now the Hussy too.
What a phenomenon.
I am now in breakfast.
Lunch and dinner coming soon.
I can now perform miracles.
I just hope these are buttermilk pancakes. NOT box mix.
Hussy has standards.

Yes. Now..I..have..gone..to..far.
Anyone have any wishes? Miracles they need?
Just look for the Hussy in a food item near you.
I may even appear in the soap scum in your shower.
In the bubbles after you pee.
The leftover ketchup on your plate.
In the stain on your bed sheets.
The clouds in the sky.
Coming to a biological shadow near you........

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday Facts

1. The average person has 1,460 dreams a year. That's four a night.
2. Chickens snore.
3. G.I. blues: Elvis received 10,000 letters a week during his stint in the U.S. Army.
4. A blue whales' sound can be heard from more than 500 miles away.
5. William Shakespeare invented more than 1,700 words.
6. President Clinton's feet (size 13C) are the biggest presidential feet since Woodrow Wilson's.
7. Mr. Potatohead was the first toy advertised on TV.
8. You burn 50% more calories watching TV than you do when you sleep.
9. Elephants are the only animals in the world that can't jump.
10. California has the most unlisted phone numbers per capita, Florida has the least,

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The steaks are high.....

as Snoop Dog in his tour bus.
High on the green backs.
Like I have money on the line.
160 dollars high.

Ok, maybe that is not much dough, but in this recession..many people could use a little stimulus package worth that kind of pocket change these days. Like that octuplet mom, Nadya Suleman. Wait never mind..I guess it is the California tax payers who are gonna need some money after she sticks them with her hospital bill.

Forget her....I need to win this high steaks game so I can blow it on a few hour long hot stone massages, or maybe some nice high thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Maybe get online and order more drugs from India?? Hmmm, I am sure I will find something to satisfy the Hussy's deranged needs.

How is the Hussy in this financial high steaks game? Well first I must a admit a guilty pleasure of mine I have been hiding in the Hussy closet. Right next to my silver Fox Anderson Cooper, and my shake your bom bom Ricky Martin. They have been hiding in the closet for some time now too.

Well I guess there is no other way to say it than to just blog it right out here. I, the Hussy Housewife, am addicted to reality T.V. But that is not what got me in this $160 dollar high steaks game. One of my favorite shows is the grandfather of all reality shows, next to the Real World. (shout out to Eric Nies and his 12 pack) The show that was the pioneer of the idea of "alliances" (no shout out to Richard Hatch and his naked butt) The show survivor!

I have watched EVERY season. Used to always have a girls Survivor night every Thursday night up until last year.

Thought many, many times about auditioning and sending in a tape. I figure as a retired Environmental Biologist..I could do well in the elements for 30 some days. When I had a career, before I hung up my Carhartts and hiking boots to become a mother, I had spent many a days out in the middle of now where. Gone days with out a shower....been COVERED in many bug bites....and backpacked all over northern Idaho. Out fished and out shot and out hiked my male counter parts much to their dismay. I figure I could take a shot at "Outwit, Outplay, Outlast"

The only thing that always stops me from doing it (beside that fact that I can't be fake) is of how picky of a eater I am. I don't like fish at all. (I know..and I grew up in Alaska..puke) I would starve to death, have no energy. Thus ends my dream. My fire, my torch snuffed out.

So the next best thing the Hussy could do is get in a Survivor Tocantins pool. Me and 15 other people put in $10 dolla..dolla..bills yo! We each picked a cast mate, well except me. My hubby was late getting to the feeding frenzy for me and so I got the leftovers. Who did I end up with?

Tamara “Taj”
Occupation: Former Pop Star

WHAT!! I got a POP STAR? IF the others find out that she is a Grammy nominated singer, successful author, and a wife of a former NFL pro...I am screwed worse than Michael Phelps Kellogg's-endorsement-bong scandal. They will vote her rich arse out faster than you can say Rod Blagojevich. Then I thought, heh..this may be good. With the Obama fever going on, and it being Black History month....My chocolate sista and I may just have a shot at winning this survivor pool. As long as Al Sharpton doesn't opened his mouth in the next few months. We may be cool.

So I need all you to help the Hussy, and root for Mrs. Taj. It premiers Thursday, February 12, 8:00pm ET/PT Who is with me?? Can I get a KA-KAW?

Ohhh, and for your listening pleasure..here is a video clip on my girl Taj in her girl group SWV(Sister's With Voices) back in the day. A little blast from the past on your arse!

Monday, February 9, 2009

ALL MY SINGLE LADIES! ALL MY SINGLE LADIES! I put this post up.

I did something selfless for you single ladies out there. For you ladies out there that are single and ready to dingle your girly bits out there for all to see. Those of you looking for a fresh pieces of meat to manipulate and torment. To bleed dry of all his financial funds like Bernard Madoff'. I, by no means, did this for myself...I am a happily married women. I needn't look far for my hunk of man meat. This was COMPLETELY for you girls, I in no way enjoyed any nanosecond of this. The Hussy only lives to serve you, and your naughty desires of male stalking. She does not do this for herself.

What did I do for you? I took some pictures for you of the male species. Yeah, you can thank me with a six pack of Coors Light later. (address to be given for these packages later at end of post)

To make a long story short, the Hussy was up to more of her shenanigan's again. This time I did some damage. After running over yet ANOTHER minivan, I escaped with no witness's and pulled into my driveway. After I got out, I first looked over my shoulder, then heard a very familer sound. Shhhhhhhshhhhshhh. Yes, I could hear my front driver side tire going flat. Right where I make contact with that minivans "My Honor student blah blah blah" sticker filled bumper.

Last time I got got a flat tire during on of "Jamie's Episodes", I showed you all how to change a flat tire. Sorry folks, not today. This time I was in town and had a much better view plan.

One may think, aww crap there goes my afternoon of reality TV watching. But I choose to see the glass as half full. The tire as half flat. The voices bells went off in my head. I guess I will need to call Les Schwab. Have nice young-strong man, wearing tight jeans come over to my house and bend over to fill my heart tire with air. The hubby was at work....so I diiiiidn't want to bother him. So I placed the call, got my camera, and stalked waited for my tire man to arrive.

Remember...I did this for you.

I told him I was taking pictures of the *cough* tire. I did get some real good stalker pictures from my front window, but the glare was to bad. Darn that sun! Sorry ladies, I did the best I can for you.

He was a nice young man in his early twenties I would say. I was chatting him up, (only for information for you single ladies), when my mojo was killed. He told me we had quite the elaborate fence and asked me who did it.

Me: *cough* My husband

I now fear suddenly all you single ladies will not not be swerving to miss running over the broken glass in the road.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

My drunk and deranged cronies: Part DOH!

Continued

(enters The Hussy Housewife)..............

Hussy: Dwight..I knew it! You just can't stand to let me ruin something on my own. Be my own train wreck. You told me that picture was for your FaceBook and Twitter profile.

Dwight: Hussy..I..

Hussy: Nope, address me like we rehearsed in the pantry.

Dwight: Fine, your greatness, "The International Lovely Luscious Women Of Mystery", I just wanted to help you teach that Sit and Be Fit lady a leotard or too. Put a end to your Baltic Ave. madness!

CJL: Arrgh, I tries to warn that blithering bloke that he was on Hussy House arrest. That he was only allowed to organized your medicine cabinet, clean your sheets, and make sure all your reality shows were DVR'ing.

Hussy: Enough out of you! You are no better, getting caught for a drunk hit and rum. Making me post your bail. Don't you have a liquor cabinet to pillage or something? Better yet...get to your ship and mop the poop deck!

Dwight: I deeply regret my unfortunate actions as a lobbyist on your behalf. I apologize for any pills my actions may have forced you to swallow. Please accept my lucky rabbits foot as a peace offering that has been in my family for generations. Passed down from my Great Great Grandfather who won it out of a arcade claw machine.

Hussy: What? I don't want that stinky furry foot that smells like WD40. I want you to make yourself scarce around me. Get to your office and research the pros and cons of me getting google analytics. I want a full PowerPoint presentation in the morning!!

Dwight:
Yes, your majesty, (cough) I mean "The International Lovely Luscious Women Of Mystery." But I don't have a office?

Hussy:
ohh, we will fix that... ☺

Hello Great Blog Friends! If you are in the mood for more things Hussy..go over to HumorBloggers and read my Slang Word of the Week. Leave me a comment using the word!

Write a review of my blog over at HumorBloggers, if you like the Hussy.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Say hello to my drunk and deranged friends

Yes, please say hell...OH! That is Dwight my deranged Hussy Lobbyist on the left, and the blog drunk...my pirate Capt. Joesph LeatherFace on the right. In case you are a new customer blog buddy here.
Dwight has the little lobbyist syndrome..so he payed me off requested that I let him stand on some beer coasters, as to appear larger than LeatherFace. The rivalry continues. I told Dwight I would not show you guys the bottom part of the picture...but a Hussy never keeps her word. He will have to pay up more Benjamin's next time. Bad lobbyist.

So....I snapped that picture of the two trouble makers conspiring their next move in my office. More on that later.

If you will remember the last time we saw Dwight he was up to some suspicious activities. I had found the following picture on my camera...... All I knew is that old saddle bags was off my Park Place bike, and back to her Marvin Gardens. With that being said, I decided to opt for the military stance on gay soldiers, "Don't ask, Don't tell, Don't sell"....the pictures that is. IT is the least I could do since he is always lobbying on my Hussy behalf.

As for Capt. Joseph LeatherFace..he was sleeping off another hangover. He had a get out of jail after party that got a little crazy. IF you can recall, he went to jail for his part in the last shenanigans we pulled off on this here blog. He had to take one for the team. He was just trying to help the Hussy. What a loyal drunk.

So...as I previously said..I decided to not ask Dwight what that picture I found on my camera was. Then I was walking to my office when I overheard this conversation:

Dwight: YOU BUMBLING SEA DOG IDIOT! I told you to delete that picture you took of me. It was for my portfolio I was going to send to Palin 2012 campaign committee...

CJL: (burp) What? (Belch) Committee? I told you I had no technical experience on my salty resume. Your lucky the picture was some what focused, my vision was blurred from the 1/5 th of rum I chugged for breakfast that day. Besides, after my hit and run, I am on probation. So I really stuck my drunk neck out to help you. I did you a favor you blimey landlubber!

Dwight: Well now the Hussy saw it and she is going to get suspicious of how that whole "Operation: That's my spin bike bee-yotch" went down. Since I am on Hussy House arrest...I had to pinky swear that I wouldn't get involved this time. She is still a little upset since my last shenanigans got us audited my the IRS.

(enters The Hussy Housewife)..............

To be continued

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