It is almost time to play dress up...I love, love, love Halloween. I love having a day where it is considered normal to look like a freak and act like a fool. Which for me just means a day to actually get to be myself..the Hussy Housewife...with no unwanted stares...no mental health calls...no solicitations.
Cause maturity wise ..I am...like...umm...12? Give or take a few months.
For years my Hubby and I used to host a big annual Halloween party for all of our friends..before kids.
We used to go all out. I could show you tons of my costumes, but you got work to get back to, so here is just a few.
Once I was a Geisha Girl to my husbands delight:Or a 1920's Flapper:
One year I decided to take a stand against all the fake-boobed, plastic smile, pounds of make-up pageant type girls. (psst.if you have fake boobies..what is your doctors name? Did they hurt? How much did they cost? *cough*) I mean....
You know the ones...carbon copy Barbie dolls..when you look upstairs..they aren't the smartest peanut in the turd..per..say.
Well kinda like this:
Yeah..like that. So I made my own sash that read, "Miss Plastic" on one side and,"Miss Silicone" on the other:
Yeah..then my darling kiddos came along. They have since become my center focus on this holiday. They have taken over my Halloween night. With them getting all hyped up on kiddie cocaine (aka sugar) and trying to touch me with sticky fingers, and tempting me for week at home with a bowl full of "Muffin Top Causing" candy/sweets. Thanks again.
But times are changing. I am ready to get back in the spook of things. This is where you all come in. I have 3 ideas of who I want to be this year..and can't decide.
Vote for your choice...who I am gonna disguise myself...as...
Kate Gosselin OR Lady GaGa OR Kim Zoliack...hard decisions here folks!
I will help you break it down in terms of pros and cons:
Pros- When else am I gonna be able to wear the reverse mullet with no shame?
- I get to carry my hubbies balls around in a mason jar all night. My hubby can just wear a Ed Harley shirt and be set to go.
Cons: -People may just want to ask me parenting tips/ideas all night..while I am trying to ignore them because I am trying to have my own play date with Capt. Morgans.
-I might encounter a drunk frat girl..and for some unforeseen reason..get the urge to beat the crap out of her..and end up in Jail...cause i thought she was sleeping with my husband.
Pros- This character costume is the closest to my alter ego..The Hussy..so it won't be to much of a stretch for me. I play this delusional-artistic-part in my mind everyday and here on my blog. I enjoy making people think I am temporarily insane. Is it working?
- If I pull this off tight...this may help in my chances of collaborating with Lady GaGa on writing a few songs with/for her. My people (Dwight and Capt. LeatherFace) have already contacted her people regarding this collaboration..we are still waiting on a response.
Cons- I may get bombarded with stupid questions like..."Hey GaGa..what is a disco stick?" OR "Are you really a hermaphrodite?"
- I may end up with a synthesizer headache by the end of the night.
Pros- My chance to finally play the part of a selfish, self-important diva, wear a push up bra and let the girls hang out and play. Chain smoke Merit Ultra Lights..while I fondle my blond wig...and I tell everyone how beautiful I am...and Sing "Tardy for the Party" allllll night. Yeah!
- My hubby can be Big Poppa..and I can have fun calling him on the phone all night saying, "Big Poppa..I want a Capt'n Coke..Ohh thank you Big Poppa..Oh thank you..I love you Big Poppa!" And jump up and down like a 6 year old on Christmas morning. Till my friends all hate me and kick me out.
-I will get to finally full fill my dream to have a Gubby. Kim has one that is so fierce...he wears high heels. Maybe I could get my hubby to dress up as him for Halloween.
Cons- I would be forced to lower my IQ for the evening and ramble off statements like, "I wanna DIE in Dior." "Sheree trying to pull my wig, I could have done that to, like you have fake hair too, and I could pull yours to, but you have glue...like who does that?" OR "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man. [If I'd been] a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?"
- I wouldn't be able to enjoy my party..because I would constantly have to be looking over my shoulder for NeNe or Big Poppa's wife to come and drag me outside by my weave.
What you think?
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