Lately I have been loosing a lot of sleep at night. Sweating. Tossing and turning. No, not from a detox. From worrying a lot about my pirate Capt. Joesph LeatherFace.
In light of all the recent Somalia pirate news that has been splashing all over our TV's. I thought I had caught a glimpse of my pirate:
Was that my Capt. Joesph LeatherFace up front leading the pack of pirates?
I was worried that LeatherFace may have set sail with the wrong crowd. Was he responsible for these hijackings and ransoms? I hoped not. That would not be the sweet, stinky drunk I raised. That I know and love.
I decided it was time to have a blimey important conversation with my pirate. Seeing how I dropped the bottle on the sex and drug talk..I figured I may want to have the "sailing around
with the wrong pirates" talk.
Teach him that these guys are BAD news like Nair.If anyone is gonna be a bad influence on him..I want it to be me.
Me: LeatherFace! Can you stagger in here..we need to talk.
CJLF: Arrrgggh..but I'er just put on the Goonies to watch.
Me: Yes this is important, I just have a few question for you.
CJLF: (burp) What? Did my probation officer call about my hit and rum again?(belch) Is that wench saying she's pregnant again? Tell her I ain't got no booty of treasure, just her booty..
Me: No. I want to ask you where/who you have been sailing around with lately?
CJLF: Avast..ermm..let mer' think. My memory ain't to good deese' days. Ohh, just Captain Morgans and a few wenches from the pub.
Me: So you don't know any Somali pirates, or haven't been out hijacking foreign aid cargo ships?
CJLF: Aye Me? I can't even pronounce that. My pillaging days are over Hussy..I am a retired pirate who now spends his days designing Crow's nests, lounging on the Poop deck with lassy-landlubber's, wenches, and my two best friends Capt. Morgan's and Rum.
Me: You are sure? I thought I saw you on the news hanging with the wrong crowd.
CJLF: Not me' hearty. I speak da' truth. I don't hang out with those scallywags. Plus, I quit traveling as much since I had to sell my boat to pay off some gambling debts. I haven't put me' sea dogs on in years.
Me: Ok, I believe you. You haven't been showing any of the signs of sailing around with the wrong crowd..like doing stuff you wouldn't normally do. You still are up wailing out chantey's and singing till the wee hours of the night..sleeping in till 2pm. I just want you to be aware of what kind of pirates are out there in these new times, and how dangerous this new breed is.
CJLF: What me' lassy? No pirates be' tougher than me and me lads!
Me: Well these let's just say..unlike you guys..these pirates are not "high" but "High-tech." They don't use wind sails, maps, compasses, talking parrots, swords and cannons. They have speed boats, machine guns, and GPS. It is all waaaay over your crows nest. So don't EVER get mixed up with these Somali pirates..they are dangerous!
CJLF: (belch) Sooo, what kind of booty these lads getting with this "high-tech" stuff? *cough* I mean..I only be asking for my land lubber, Dwight *cough*
Me: Ohh, these guys be getting ransom booty's for millions. Driving up the cost of shipping. Delaying shipments of aid to starving people...
CJLF: What is "millions" in say treasure chest?
Me: Ohh..1 million = about 2 million treasure chests.
CJLF: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! That is a lot of goblets of rum, salted meats, and pickled grub for a old pirate!
Me: Don't even think about it. It is not worth it..you could end of with a peg leg, a hook for a hand...or even worse a glass eye! If you so much as drink about it..I will send you to your ship, and have you swabbing the poop deck with my undies that I don't wear!