Monday, April 6, 2009

The Hussy does a Infomercial: ShameWOW!

This post will be dedicated to Shamwow, the revolutionary absorbent towel. All proceeds will be directly donated to each and everyone of you for your counseling expenses from Vince's brainwashing and tramatization to you.

For those of you still living under a old fashioned paper towel, and don't know what I am talking about. Let me give you a quick update.

Shamwow is a liquid absorbing cloth. Vince here below is the face behind the viral infomercial that has been infecting all our brains like a cheap prostitute with the "clap."Why do you need one of these absorbent towels? Well because accidents tend to happen. Just like the one that happened to Vince last month:

"Vince Shlomi
, best known as television's ShamWow guy, was arrested in Miami last month. For beating up a prostitute. Who allegedly tried to bite his tongue out. Shlomi punched the prostitute several times until she released his tongue. Both of them were arrested on felony aggravated battery charges."

Here the SHAMEwow Vince is after the "altercation"
The first thing I though when I saw his mugshot was, "What!! Someone stole his headset!" Where is the precious headset at?

Then there is the lady in question..who tried to bite his tongue off:
(Actually this is a mug shot from a 2006 arrest, so she doesn't have the black eyes)

What was she thinking? Well I know. She, like the rest of us, could not take the Shamwow madness anymore.

I think she concocted a plan..to seduce Vince..lure him into his hotel room..proposition him for sex..then bite is tongue off so he can no longer talk!

No longer brainwash us with his Shamwow infomercials that make us crazy! She may need to plead insanity.

What? Ohh you haven't seen this 2 minute long infomercial? Well ok ..fine..just one more time though:



So this brings me to my own infomercial I will be doing for Vince. (minus the headset)
This is called the Shamelesshookerwow. I will be showcasing him some of my Hussy girls that are available.

HI! This is the Hussy Housewife.
You will Be saying WOW every time you buy one of my Hussy's.
She is like a freaky hooker, and a high priced call girl, all rolled up in one.
If your wife doesn't pay any attention to ya anymore,
this Hussy will work twice as hard, and can do any job.

Now, this ain't your Grandfathers type of hooker.
She was made in Germany..and you know Germans make all kind of good stuff.
She can clean up any stain that may arise,
even can soak up blood if she decides to bite your tongue off.
No other Hussy is gonna do that!

See what I am selling? You'll be screaming WOW every time!

If you call now with in the next 20 minutes,
Cause I can't wait here on this blog all day.
I'll even throw in this extra midget mini hooker for free.
She comes with a clean pap smear, and is small enough
to get to all your hard to reach, neglected areas.

You gonna spend $1000 a month wooing your wife anyways.
Your wife will ruin your life forever,
but my Hussy will be in your dreams forever!

Just blog, or comment now. 1-www.-thehussyhousewife.com

Now I wonder what is hiding in the Billy Mays closet?

34 comments:

Kelly said...

Sham-Wow guy is not looking good there! Not one bit! HA HA. Bit.

moooooog35 said...

I am offended at the inclusion of the "midget mini hooker."

Technically, I'm not a midget.

darsden said...

Hilarious...I saw the shamwow dude over at tinkalicious's place and had to check it out. I wanted to see if you saw him over the weekend like did (in mug shot form) I got my answer and a whole bunch more funnies. Great-LOL!!!

But the Kaboom dude just hearing his shouting voice makes me do leaps and bounds to turn him off. He is extremely loud and really hurts me ears!

Jenn Thorson said...

This is the downward spiral his life has taken now that he was dumped by Flo, the Progressive Insurance salesgirl.

Flo broke his heart, and now Vince has to resort to hookers.

It's a sad, sad thing.

The Hussy Housewife said...

Kelly- Yeah, where is the famous headset and the for-hawk hair do? He needs to take a vacation!

moooooog- I am sorry, you are right..that was very inappropriate of me. I meant "vertically challenged" hooker!

Darsden- Nice to blog ya! I am with you..I can't stand Billy Mays voice. It is like fingernails on a chalk board!

Jen- Oh no! Flo did? Maybe we can hook him up with someone else? Maybe..the "two girls and a cup" ladies?

dizzblnd said...

every time I hear billy mays voice I want to gouge out my ear drums with a letter opener I am surprised you didn't know about ZFlo.. I thought that was common knowledge..
Just kidding I had no clue either

Madhatter Mom said...

Geez woman!! I am sick here and trying like the dickens not to cough my 1 remaining lung up..you'd think you could help be out but NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

You have to go and post about Sham-Wow and now I'm typing this while trying to choke down half of my lung.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!!

Anonymous said...

James- Several Hussy Definitions for You!

From the FreeDictionary
1. A woman considered brazen, bold or immoral.
2. A saucy or impudent girl.

From the YourDictionary
1. A woman, esp. one of low morals: contemptuous or playful term
2. A bold, saucy girl or young woman

From The Merriam-Webster Dictionary
1: a lewd or brazen woman
2 : a saucy or mischievous girl

From the "AllWords Dictionary"
1. A pert girl; a frolicsome or sportive young woman; -- used playfully, in jest.
2. A worthless woman or girl; a forward wench; a jade; -- used as a term of contempt or reproach.

I don't know how many of those you actually fit? An alternative defintion under most of these is actually "Housewife"- archaic usage, though. So technically your blog name is a redundancy!

Shawn said...

What's in Billy Mays' closet? I would guess one tongue biting hooker, hired to ruin his arch enemy in the cutthroat pitchman biz.

Ann's Rants said...

Ewww. Dry-heaving. Who approved this message? Oh yeah, Valtrex. That's who.

xo

Lady Sarcasm said...

Let me know when there is a clearance special on that hussy item! :)

The Queen said...

OMG you are too funny.. but the sad thing is.. I bought shamwow before it was cool.. when you could buy it by the yard.. at the county fair.. It's awesome .. but it's sucky green.. I think it's a knock off..

Is your hussy thing a knock off.. I'm tired of getting ripped off by infomercials at 2:00AM... so I want to make sure you are selling the real deal,,,

Nothing but the best for my man!

The Hussy Housewife said...

Dizzbld- What? You mean that raspy loud voice doesn't turn you on?

Madhattermom- Nothing makes me more happpy!! *smiling from ear to ear* Sound like you had a rough night?

Savana- Thinks for all your research. I think I would be, "A bold, saucy girl or young woman, or a saucy or mischievous girl" What do you think?

Shawn- I think he probably has a stash of good drugs...I mean look at his codes word..KABOOM, GLO..hmmmm?

Ann Rants- Sorry about the dry heaving..but look on the bright side...this guys life makes yours look like unicorns and rainbows!

Lady Sarcasm- You will be the first to know! I may be the special of the week, but I ain't cheap!

The Queen- Ohh you own this legendary absorbent cloth?!@#$$% *bows down*

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Thanks for the update on Mr. ShamWow. I had seen the photo, but didn't know the story behind it.

Either way, he won't be screaming for the next while, thank god. Always a silver lining...

Dennis the Vizsla said...

It sounds like she was just trying to perform a public service for the rest of us ...

Mike said...

I'd totally do sham wow hooker lady if she wasn't a hooker!

Frippery said...

Bold, Saucy and Frolicsome, I think they suit you. I don't think having Vince's tongue in your mouth, even for the humanitarian mission of biting it off, would be worth it. Not for all the stimulus package money in the world.

Tiggy said...

I so want a signed photo of Vince. Preferably signed in his own blood.

Me-Me King said...

Yesterday, while watching TV, I saw Mr. Sham-WOW advertising another product - SLAP CHOP. At one point he states, "You're gonna love my nuts". Hmmm, I wonder if he used this as his pick up line?

Kirsten said...

LMAO! Vince is a trainwreck!!

The Hussy Housewife said...

Mary- Your welcome for the life saving news. I do what I can. One freak at a time.

Dennis- That is what i am thinking. Still waiting to hear from her publicist on the matter.

Mike- Geez, raise your standards..MAN! LOL!

Frippery- I think that pretty much sums me and Vince up!

Tiggy- Ohhh, lets look on EBay..see what we can find.

MeMEKing- That is classic!! He has the best pick up lines ever. Poor Vince, he just needs love.

Kristen- I know he is..don't you just LOVE it?

dani c said...

I love your infomercial...I'm hiring you to sell my kids ok ?

Condo Blues said...

If Vince and Billy Mays got into a fight - who would win? A tranny hooker?

Suburbia Steph said...

Wow! Holy shit! You'll toss in an extra midget mini hooker for free!?!?!?!?!? I'm so effin IN!

Cacai M. said...

OMG! the Shamwow madness am stuck with his story because I know him from tv commercial, so then what the f_ _ _ _ is the prosti doing?

The Hussy Housewife said...

Dain- Sure bring them over! I got a whole pitch idea for them!

Condo blues- THAT is a excellent question? I am sure if you took Vince's headset, he would curl up into a ball and cry!

Suburbsteph- Ohh you have a thing for midgets, huh?

Cacai- She is doing a public service by biting off his tongue so he can SHUT UP!

Suburbia Steph said...

Hussy, actually I could use one much like Chelsea Handler has Chuy...I do like me some giants tho! Check out the one we have featured on our site today!

nonamedufus said...

That hooker's a martyr. Imagine attempting to bite off Vince's tongue to save the rest of us. She deserves more than $1,000. And as Vince's stock plummets, I imagine hers will only continue to rise.

Mr. Condescending said...

that was great! Vince looks like such sh*t

Anonymous said...

You do know Billy Mays is dead, don't you?

The Hussy Housewife said...

Steph- I love Chuy!! But..I bowl legged is kinda ewww!

nonamedufus- Yes..she does deserve more $...but then again it didn't work..cause now he is pitching SLAP CHOP!! Ugggg.

Mr. Condescending- I know..I just wonder if he used a shamwow to clean up his face.

Anonymous- Yeah I know..but this post was written in April..when he was still alive..but little did I know..I was on to something..maybe cocaine was in his closet. RIP Billy!

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