~The Hussy Housewife Highlights of 2008~

Happy New year to all my blog neighbors. We wish you all a rock'in New Year! I hope you have great plans to celebrate with family and friends. I am going to a 80's themed New Years party tonight. I am thinking about breaking out a little Olivia Newton-John, "Lets Get Physical" tonight. Calling all Unitards!! Calling all side pony tails!! I may be functional to take some pictures for you all..you knows.

So what a year it has been here on the ol' Hussy Blog. In looking ahead at 2009, I decided to make a video to recap this last blog year of mine. So much has happened. I wanted to take a look back at all that we have been through together, all cronies included. To remember the great laughs from this past year that we have had together. So I included some of Hussy Housewife's HIGHlights, some great images and pictures I have posted this year. To those of you dedicated Hussy fans...when you see some of these pictures..they should trigger the post they went to and give you a nice chuckle. For you newbies and lurkers...there are some good ones in there for you. Or if you feel left out...you can go back through the over 300 posts to catch up! Grab a case or bottle first.

I would also like to say I have had a blast entertaining you all, meeting great people, finding great blogs, reading your funny comments. You all ROCK!! I can't wait to getting to know more about how sick you all really are. I know some of you try to play "normal", but I know you are just as whacked as I am.☺☺☺☺

The following video I made for you all..starts out with one of my all time favorite songs in the world...and theme song to my life and blog...."Where is my mind?" by the Pixies. Followed by a more touching tribute song. So without further ado..I give you the:

Hussy Housewife Highlights of 2008!!!!

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pizza Hut, you left a bad out sourced pizza sauce taste in my mouth

{Sorry to leave you all hanging last post...but I have a legitimate reason why the story had to be continued. I got sucked into Entrecard, and didn't finish my post. So sue drop me!}

continued...................

Falling Action:

Little does this man on the other line know that my MIL is a true redhead. Well now she buys it in a box, but her temper is still there. You shouldn't outsource a redheads pizza then loose her order. NOT a good idea. I could have done him a favor and fought her off from grabbing the phone, but what fun would that have been. Besides, I like to see a good telephone outsourced match now and then.

So off she goes on this man about how could they loose her order, she gave them her credit card #, yada, yada. Meanwhile I know that the reason they don't show sign of our order is because we didn't order it with them...they transferred us to the local store since they are not online with them. SO I am trying to relay this to the flaming redhead, but she has her foot in far to deep in this man..for her to hear me. I am trying to get her to have him transfer us to the local store..for we have to be transferred..since they have the local number being sent to their stupid call center. Or to have him call the local store..give them OUR number...have them call us back! All fell on deaf ears.

So I spring into Plan F- Call the neighboring town's Pizza Hut..have the manager there punch in the secret phone number to reach a human at our local store and actually call us back. See if they do indeed have our order..since they got the credit card #. I call the neighboring town..it actually goes to there store!! Sweet deep dish!...I yell. I can smell the deep dish-bread victory getting closer.

The lady must have thought I was stoned out of my mind, and on some big conspiracy theory high after I gave her the 5 minute run down. She didn't know about the call center. I just wanted her to call our local manager and have him call us back. To make sure someone out in outsource land didn't have my MIL's credit card, and was out charging up a Slurpee machine or buying a local 7-11 with her credit. It was a no go, true to the Hussy's luck, they are separately owned franchises and they don't associate with our local Pizza Hut. Plan F down.

Ok, my Hussy idea of spreading our seed to another pizza joint isn't going over as well as I had planned. I should have never suggested straying from the locally owned. I just wanted some deep dish. Note to self...always order local..or go loco!

Resolution: (well not really)

So while I am on the other line trying to solve the worlds pizza problems, in between my MIL reaming the call center guy..she tells hubby to order more pizza from somewhere else. He does. From the one place I was trying to avoid, thus starting this whole saga!! UGHHH!!

We finally get them to have the local Pizza Hut call us back. To see the status of our order and credit card. Sure enough the local guy goes, "Oh yeah we have your order, it was just sent out and is on it's way." Boy oh boy did that get my MIL see red pizza sauce. She then tells them to forget it. She doesn't want their pizza. To have them not deliver it. I scream NOOOO!!!! (just like the the dart scene from Old School.) Yep, no deep dish for me.

Our other locally owned pizza came in 30 minutes. While we ate it my MIL decided that we needed to write a letter to the editor, well actually she wanted me to write it and her sign her name. I told her she probably wouldn't want to sign her name to anything I wrote.

Seriously I am pissed that these places are outsourcing our orders to people whom we can not understand. Gee, that should make the ordered turn up right. I just would like to know what JERK at Pizza Hut headquarters came up with this half peperoni/half meat lovers brained idea. As if the stoned grease faced teenager that already got our orders wrong wasn't bad enough...now they will throw in a foreign speaking person to help make sure you got a meat combo with no mushrooms. Right..that sounds like a great idea!! Why didn't I think of that one. Oh jerk face, why don't you take your few million that you are saving on this and shove it up your arse!! Thanks you for calling ma'am! You lost my business ma'am!

Just so you all know, now fast food restaurants are going to be doing the same thing. So when you pull up to a drive thru..it will trigger someones head set in god know where land. They will then help you decide the right Combo meal for you and whether or not you want to super size it. I suggest you either start learning to cook or get some hooked on phonics "foreign language" edition.

Is this for delivery or take out Ma'am?

{The following events did actually take place on Dec. 15th, approximately between the hours of 5:00 and 7:00 pm. They will be blogged about to the best of the Hussy Housewife's medicated recollection. The names have NOT been changed to protect the guilty or innocent parties involved. The following post is a reinBLOGment of the evenings events as they occurred.}

So grab your drink and sit down for the following Hussy Housewife non service announcement. You may want to grab a pen and paper for taking notes.

The Exposition: (Que typewriter sound effects)

My MIL wanted to have us over for pizza for the Survivor finale on CBS. We could not, for Sunday night is my card night with my girlfriends. We play cards, eat, drink, and be merry. I was DVRing the finale....since I have previously blogged that I don't DO commercials. So we decided to take a rain check for the following night. In doing so I convinced my MIL that we should take a break from our usual family owned pizza joint. Switch things up a little. She suggested Pizza Hut..I say sure..pizza from a slut hut!

The Scene: (Que typewriter sounds effects)

It was a cold, nippy December Monday night in Northern Idaho, when a lovely, sweet, friendly family decided to get together for dinner, and participate in a long standing American tradition: Ordering take out Pizza. Little did this unsuspecting family know what following disturbing events that would soon take place.

Rising Action: (Que typewriter sounds effects)

We arrive as scheduled just after 5 pm. We take off our coats and settle in. We then are informed that the pizza has been ordered, and should be arriving shortly. Our growling belly's subside with the news. Then my MIL proceeds to explain to me that she will never again ordered from Pizza Hut. A part of me dies inside, (the part who loves their deep dish), I inquire as to why. She then informs me that when she called the local Pizza Hut number, she get some call center, East Indian accent and all. For pizza? This person wants to get all this information from her before she can place her order. He then tells her he had to transfer her to someone else. This new person then again asks all the same information. Like your address, phone number, tax ID number, SSS #, DOB, first born child's name, your BMI, DL#, astrological sign, and your medical history. She then explains that she told this person she just wanted to order a pizza, and doesn't want to answers any more questions. They then start to take her order...then they realize that our local Pizza Hut is not online with them...and transfer her to the "actual" store here in our town. The one she thought she was calling in the first place.

By this time my preacher's wife MIL is seeing red. WWJD is out the window..she is mad. She finally gets her order taken. Asks to speak to the manger..he is not in..so she tells them what she went through, that she will never order from them again.

I was shocked that Pizza Hut outsourced there orders now. What is next? Outsourcing baseball and apple pie?

Climax: (Que typewriter sound effects)

It is 6pm. It has been a hour since our order..no sign of pizza. So I was nominated to make the outsourced/ma'am/East India accented/call. After all I do have a bit of experience with talking

to these folks. If you remember the time I ordered antibiotics from them, and it took 30 days for them to get here from India. Or the time I spoke with them because my hubby bought my 18 month old daughter a 5T swimsuit, and somehow managed to get a credit card in the process. In which I had to speak with the east Indian call center to try and cancel it. Or the hours I spent talking with them over my grandfathers tracfone. I have lots of experience speaking with the "Thank You Ma'am" types. The "May I please have your phone number, area code first, Ma'am" types. I think I am call center qualified to try and handle this Pizza Hut mess. The Hussy to the rescue!

So I dial the local number again just in hopes that I may get lucky and it will actually go to the store here in town, but if you have been reading this blog even 1 week..you will know that this is not the kind of luck that this Hussy has. Sure enough, it goes to a call center where a nice east Indian accented women says, "Thanks you for calling Pizza Hut ma'am. Will this be delivery or carryout, ma'am?" I quickly explain to her that my local Pizza Hut in not online with them, and I need her to transfer me to the actual store. Of course she had no idea what I was talking about..because that is not in her script that she reads to you. She tries to get me to answer more questions, by which I repeat I need to be transfered to the REAL store. The one with people actually making and serving pizza. She finally got it, and transfered me to what she leads me to believe is my local store. Ummm..no such luck.

I then get a English speaking American man..whom I can understand. I am assuming that there is a main call center in the US for this problem solving type stuff. I then repeat my pizza saga once again. (Meanwhile everyone is still hungry) He then asks for my phone number and checks my order, even though I just want him to transfer me to the ACTUAL STORE!! So he then tells me, "I am sorry..but my computer does not show your order at all. I say "What? you don't even have our order?" My MIL hears this and I swear her head started spinning and daggers started shooting our her eyes. She jumps in and says, "Give me that phone!" I yell..WWJD? WWJD?? to her just because I like to taunt her........

TO BE CONTINUED

Merry Friday Facts

I hope everyone survived and didn't get buried alive under wrapping paper, twist ties, and instruction manuals. I hope you all got what you wished for. If not, you are not the only one: So to make up for your loss, I got you some Christmas Friday Facts. They will make you feel more comfortable about the economy. Make you want to invest in the stock market again and real estate. Ohh, well aside from the few facts that about Jesus's birthday making China a rich country. The country that we tend to borrow money from time to time from...so we can buy more of their imported stuff. This holiday has turned into a win..win for them! (note: the above Christmas sweater was not made in China, but your Nativity scenes, fake Christmas trees , and ornaments were.)

1. Number of letters, packages, and cards the U.S. Postal Service delivered between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 2007, 20 billion
2. Retail sales by the nation’s department stores in December 2007, $30.5 billion
3. $493.3 million The gross earnings of Christmas tree farmers in 2007, with North Carolina ($134 million) as the top producer. Oregon was next at $114.3 million in sales.
4. $593.8 million. The value of U.S. imports of Christmas tree ornaments from China between January and August 2008. China was the leading country of origin for such items. Similarly, China was the leading foreign source of artificial Christmas trees shipped to the United States ($66.2 million worth) during the same period. (Who knew Jesus would make the Chinese rich some day?)
5. 96Number of establishments around the country that primarily manufactured dolls and stuffed toys
6. 691The number of locations that primarily produced games, toys, and children’s vehicles
7. $3.4 billion. Total value of shipments for dolls, toys and games by manufacturers
8. $4.9 billion. The value of U.S. toy imports from China.
9. China leads Canada as the leading supplier of ice skates ($42 million versus $10 million), with Thailand ranking third.
10. Places whose names are associated with the holiday season include North Pole, Alaska (population 2,183 in 2007); Santa Claus, Ind. (2,320); Santa Claus, Ga. (247); Noel, Mo. (1,587); and—if you know about reindeer—the village of Rudolph, Wis. (419) and Dasher, Ga. (803). There is Snowflake, Ariz. (5,343) and a dozen places named Holly, including Holly Springs, Miss., and Mount Holly, N.C.

Now while Americans are busy cleaning up the Holiday mess, looking at their credit card balances...the Chinese are apparently busy out buying more cheap American real estate and taking vacations with the money we spent. Nothing against them, they are just feeding our own appetite for material things.

Have yourself a Hussy Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

To all my blog neighbors!

From my fully armed family to yours. Just don't shoot your eye out. Your gonna need to use that eye to aim while you are in the gift exchange lines after Christmas.

I hope your day is filled with holiday cheer, and sedatives.

The Hussy Housewife

Does scissors beat tape, or does tape beat scissors?

I have been up since 4am wrapping presents. If I loose the tape one MORE time, I'm gonna take the scissors that I also keep loosing, and end my pain. Presents, "DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!" You don't love me or act like you need me!! What do you care if I did? Here I go buy you, and this is how you treat me?

I am thinking my rules for my new form of TapeWrappingPaperScissors goes as follows:

Tape sticks to paper, Scissors cut tape and wrapping paper, Tape can gum up scissors, paper covers scissors and tape (hides them while you are looking for THEM!!) No one one can win at this game!

I am now talking a therapeutic "blog break" due to the stress of wrapping presents. I know, it is supposed to be great fun. Holiday music playing and Christmas candle smell in the air. Fresh pine needles on the floor sticking in your socks. Cut the crap people and lets be honest about it. It goes more like this:

Ok, look at present. Try to find the best way to wrap it by checking out angles, slopes, gradients, count edges (note sharp ones, they will cut through your wrapping paper), take measurements, have my hubby engineer and draft up wrapping plans. Figure out how to read these plans. Try to follow directions. Pre read the directions thoroughly first before attempting to make your first cut with the scissors. Once you make the cut..it is on like Donkey Kong. Ok..good..I can do this. Put present down on paper. Read wrapping plans to find out which is the best face to lay face first. This one? No. Try this one. No. Ok this one. Good. Ok make cuts. Try to do fancy scissor straight-through-cut. Damn, scissors need sharpened. Get hubby to sharpen scissors. Ok, back to cutting the paper. Smile when you get the fancy scissor straight-through-cut to work. Look around to see if anyone saw your paper wrapping skills. Take that Martha!

Stress on the proper way to fold the ends. Pointy? Straight? Rolled? Crap, sorry Martha. I take what I typed back. I need you. Ok, we will do flat with a side of folded. Ok, wait..ends to long. Where did I put those scissors! Oh, they were wedged in the couch cushions. Ok. Looks good. Tape? Now where did I put that tape? Tape? Tape! Ohh..I am sitting on it. Ok, try to hold end while getting tape. Decide to pre-cut tape and put on side of table, as to be able to have one hand free to get tape and one hand to hold end flat fold next time.

Ok. Next end of the present. Crap now it is too short. I wasn't supposed to cut any off!! Use extra paper you cut off the last end to make up the difference. Need tape. Go to your "tape reserve bank" you made on the side of the table. Crap! Tape stuck under the edge of table. Peel tape off. Start to think, "Is there a tape quota?" Is it one per fold? Or two? Dang. Go with one on ends and two tape on the front. Finish your masterpiece and step back and admire. Wellll. Uhhh. Hmmm. Screw it, they are only 2 and 4..they won't care!

Me and my cronies tell you to go get elfed up!

WTelF? Yeah, it was peer pressure. "Come on Hussy, everyone is doing it." "It won't be a big deal, no one will get hurt." "It will make you feel sooooo good." "No one has to know." "It will just hurt a little I swear." "Just be our little secret." "You won't get addicted the first few times you try it." "It will make you skinny." "All the other bloggers will think your sooo cool"

I know....I fell for it. I am sure the guilt will set in tomorrow. No turning back now. Besides, if it gets really bad, and I end up at Promises...I could meet some really cool famous people. Like Tara Reid. Maybe sleep in the same bed as Lindsay Lohan did? Pee on the same toilet seat as Britney Spears did? It is all a win..win from here on out. Then maybe it will jump start my Hussy Housewife career by getting me a magazine cover. A cover story on how it wasn't my fault. How I came to be known as the "Hussy Housewife" because of my parents

So here we all are in all our glory. First up we have a little disco number set up for you this evening. Just watch our pelvic gyrations moves. We are too sexy for this blog. If you will notice about half way through this video, when the Hussy Housweife gets her solo, you can sure tell she is full of pills and drunk. Dwight trys to show off and gives everyone a run for "Best Dancing Elf" of the year award. Jamie (myself), I just living up to her nickname "Jiggity Jamie", and Capt. LeatherFace..look pretty sauced as usual...heavy eyes..etc:

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Then we went to the Elf Club for our Charleston Dance. The Hussy again looks pretty sauced in her solo part.

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Friday Facts

Ok...apparently with the previous post I either:
A) made everyone pee their pants or depends
B) go call the ATF and FBI, and report me and my blog
C) get really paranoid that they are to busy building their own secret bunker
Hello? Anyone home? Don't leave me alone all paranoid!
Fine..here is something on a more lighter note:
1. Benjamin Franklin said, "Early to bed, early to rise, " but was famous for staying up all night.
2. California was the first state to send two women to the U.S. Senate at the same time.
3. America has three times as many animal shelters as shelters for victims of domestic violence.
4. When George Washington died in 1799, Napoleon ordered 10 days of mourning in France.
5. Some Egyptian mummies wore dentures.
6. What country do Americans look up most often in the World Book Encyclopedia? Canada.
7. A column of air one square inch and 600 miles high weighs about 15 lbs.
8. If your dog has fleas, put flea powder in your vacuum cleaner bag. Lots of flea eggs live there.
9. The average cat brain is as big as a marble, the average ostrich's eyes area as big as a tennis ball.
10. Good news? Marriages lasting more that 13 years are more likely to end in death that in divorce.

We will, We will, We will SHOOT YOU (Sing to the Queen anthem)

That is right..we bloggers have officially joined forces. The Wolverines have started their operation "Red Dawn" We will be fighting against corporate and holiday greed as previously discussed in my Triple B post. You better read and catch up..or you may be waiting for your own bailout or FEMA!

If that is your choice, please just don't let me see you on the news looting the local AMPM for pepperoni sticks. Go to the liquor store instead...you will be able to barter better with alcohol. Also, if you could...please send some my way. I am sure Capt. Joseph LeatherFace will have gone through the stash faster than a fuel filled brush fire. I will have a Hussy "Drop it like it is Hot" drop zone. I will give you the latitudes and longitude coordinates when the time comes.

We may have a few openings left in the Hussy bunker too. I will have to go punch the numbers. If you want in..I do except bribes, and payoffs in the form of Chocolate, greenbacks, pills, and booze. My friend Gov. Rod Blagojevich (blog-a-bee-otch) taught me that. If you have a sweet seat..you just don't give it away. He also taught me that you never leave a paper trail. You hide all your secrets by writing them on your forehead. Then you cover them up with your bangs. Seems to be working for him. GET THE FOOTBALL! (code word for his Paul Mitchel brush.)

Back to us Wolverines, we have held our very first meeting, and discussed all our different roles and duties that we will be assuming shortly. We have lots to planning still to do, and a bunker that still needs a little engineering and construction work touched up on.

So I want you to meet the crew. Here we are posing with our arsenal starter kit: Go Wolverines!

Who be these fly looking renegades? These are my fellow blog neighbors that said they wanted in on the Hussy Bunker. They are deranged die hards survivalists too. To be honest it didn't take much to convince them, just a little cheap wine and a panic button. I would give you a roll call..but I can not release that sensitive information. Well...since we go by code names now for security purposes, and you have given me enough Mad Dog, I guess I could tell you their blogger names: The Hussy Housewife AKA me, LadyShuttleMaker, Ettarose, Quirkyloon, The Wise (*young*) mommy, That's Funny Because, Da Old Man, and ChatBlanc. What a CREW!! Someone pass me the Ludes, rubber cement, and Bengay, cause we bout'to have a party!

We actually have several code phrases set up. Since you read my blog, and are part of my blog family, I will share a few with you. But they don't leave this blog! For instance:

Baby Boo- Refers to my new toy, a M14.
Bump Bump- This is what I call out when I need my Pepsi with special ice ASAP.
Hamster huggers- Refer to my bunker house slippers.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.- That is what we say when the target is in the cross hairs, and trigger is being activated.

Dwight spoke at the meeting on spud guns. The safety precautions, how to load and fire one, and proper techniques. Dwight also is a survivalist and has a impressive array of weapons, and while he prefers his crossbow, spud guns are a weapon that we easy can mass produce the ammunition. We are planting a potato farm near the bunker. That way if we run out of ammunition..we just go get are hands dirty, and pull up a few more. The uses of potatoes are endless, Just ask Mr. Potato Head. Moonshine, guns, french fries, potato soup, sleeping pill, medicine for a burn, and a decorative stamp. Well you get the point.

Here is Dwight with a little message on the dangers of spud guns:

That is right, 60 PSI coming right at ya! Will make mashed potatoes out of those greedy wall street, auto maker, banker CEO's! Good thing we are deranged!

(After this post...I am like sooo red flagged on the FBI computer servers. If you don't blog from me in two days..please tell the world my story.)

Cleaning out the refrigerator today....

Yes..you all know what that means. When things keep getting shoved in there, pushed to the back, and before you know it you have discovered a cure for cancer! My posts have been piling up...I have been getting great awards...I have been getting great gifts in the mail, and over the blogland. The Hussy's fridge is FULL! Which is a great problem to have. But I need to unload some of this on the poor neighbor kid down the street. He won't notice it is used leftovers..sloppy seconds will he? Ohh what do I care! It will be good for his immune system. So I am reaching in the fridge to find the stuff that got shoved to the back...and is starting to smell.

First of all, my blog got a Christmas makeover...anyone like? Everyone keeps yelling, HO! HO!, HO! at the Hussy when she is out. People are always sooo festive! Before I start cleaning..I want to say thanks to everyone who takes time out of their medicated lives to read this blog and comment. The Hussy loves you all, and enjoys passing booze and pills to you all! {slap on the tushy}

Ok, where shall I begin? Lets start by thanking "Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars." He helped my muffin top grown a size in a mere two days!! What a talented funny man he is. Here is how, a few blog weeks back on his blog he had a "Crotchety's Colossal Chocolate Candy Contest." Once I read that he was giving away bags of Dove chocolate..I was in!!! That is one of my favorite chocolate(milk)!!! All you had to do was drop him a comment..a point for each, link him in a post, or make him laugh. So after I wiped the drool off my cheek, I left him this comment:

"First off..I am a fellow HB= 1point.

2. You are on my blog roll=1 point

3. If you don't hand over the chocolates...anyone

with in a mile radius of me is in immediate danger

of a crazy whore-moan-al housewife

who is getting ready for Old Aunt FLOW

to come visit= 10 points."
Need I say more?

He then stated I had won a bag for myself for making him laugh out load..then he hid, for he was scared. So in the mail arrived my orgasmic surprise:

They were the best..and I proudly ate the whole bag to myself in two days. Yep, I am training for the Chocolate Olympics. Don't be jealous that you didn't qualify. My coach always says, "Fat is temporary..quitting if forever" Thanks Crotchety!! {smiles with chocolate on her face}

Next gifts came from the funny Quirkyloon over at "Musings of a Quirkyloon." She was My Secret Santa can Suck it Un-Santa. She gave me such awesome gifts in this Santa post. She really got to know my likes, my needs, and gave..and gave like a good Hussy in Training (HIT.) Quirky is related (6th cousin twice removed times 4) to my lead lobbyist Dwight. She gave me tickets to a gun show, a time-share, a Arsenal Starter Kit. She even gave me weed and so much more..go check it out! Also, thanks to Quirky for giving me a meme, for linking me on her blog. You the the best new blogg buddy! {Blows a kiss with red-glazed eyes}

Ohhh, I have to give a shout out to the lovely Chelle at "The Offended Blogger." For I must mention that she put me "In the Spotlight' AND in the "Hall of Fame" over at "The Humor Bloggers.com at the same time!! Take that Kayne West..you think you are going to be the next great voice of this generation of this decade?? Step aside..the Hussy has her red high heels on..and they pack a nasty spiked punch!!! Jesus walks with ME Kayne! I guess you haven't been a good boy lately. Thanks Chelle..you are the best ev-er! {Squishy front hug and a lick on the cheek}

Before I forget, it seems that after my Secret Santa can Suck It post, everyone wants a "Hug me boyfriend pillow." I never my ex-boyfriend he would be so popular. After I got done with him, he is just half the man he used to be...but what ever you guys want. Sloppy seconds and all..you can get him here:

http://www.overstock.com/Home-Garden/Hug-Me-Pillow/1676854/product.html

Tell him I sent ya! They are only $29.99. I think I will get one for all my single friends. Just think of the smile on their faces when they open that up!!

Also popular was the The Hussy High Heels/doorstopper. You can buy one of those here:

http://www.baronbob.com/footinthedoor-doorstopper.htm

These fierce heels are only $8.95!! Great stocking stuffer...

The panic button was also popular. You can get one here:

http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/office-toys/panic-button/index.html

They are $5.56..another great stocking stuffer. Go get one..we can all panic together. These work the best in the last 24 hours before Christmas..when you are not done shopping yet.

Finally we have a few awards given by the lovely, sweet, and funny Petra over at "The Wise (*Young*) Mommy." She seems to enjoy these Hussy shenanigans, and we love her for it!! I also enjoy her delusional, but real blog. So she bestowed the following testosterone filled, sexual innuendos awards:

Shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture..shake it! Then this lovely (cough) I think someone has to pee award:Thanks Petra..they will be going in my trophy case with a link to ya!! {Eskimos kisses}

Last, but not least..don't forget to go over to the Humorbloggers.com..blog. I am there posting every Wednesday the "Slang Word of the Week" You may get your blog linked!!

I don't care what side of the bread you like buttered rant!

Boy am I am on a roll! A nice sweet Hawaiian roll to be exact. Mmmm. These rants are really helping my stress level and shingles. I think I am gonna have to start doing these weekly. For health purposes only of course. Actually I am having so much fun ranting, the material never would end for me. I also just like to say the word "rant", it sounds so great and has a nice sharp edge to it. Like it could cut your finger off. It goes something like this: rant..rant..rant..get a hussy band-aid.

So on to the latest annoyance of mine. This rant is about what led me to start living in my fanstasyland, my media/commercial free bubble. Go off to a media rehab of sorts. Well the obvious and not the rant topic for today is: I do not like to hear all the bad news, I really can't stand hearing all the sick things freaks out their do to children. It really makes me get ill....and due to my shingles history..I don't need to hear all that garbage. I have enough to be paranoid about lately..like Red Dawn coming. I got plans to make. People to brainwash to come to my bunker. (look blog neighbors..I made you some special brownies..come with me) Note: To those of you who commented on that triple B post, saying they want in the Hussy bunker..I have a special surprise and post coming up for you all. We are going to have quite the time.

I also don't need anymore voices in my head to cause delusional thoughts of what could possibly happen to my family. Sorry media land....the "voices in my head" quota is full..no room for you anymore! Maybe I'll catch ya on the post Red Dawn side..if you survive! May the best brain washer win!

Onto the Hussy ranting business. What I mean by the,"I don't care what side of the bread you like buttered" title is, that I don't care weather you are supporting a blue or red state. Let me be more specific..if you:

1. Are a FOXNews watcher or a MSNBC news watcher.
2. If you are a Bill O'Reilly kind of blogger or a Keith Olbermann kind of blogger.
3. If you would like to have John Stewart over for dinner or maybe Stephen Colbert.
4. Prefer RED Raspberry jam on your buttered toast or BLUEberry jam.
5. If you were a Obama Mama, or wanted to be a on team maverick.

You get the idea? Where is this rant leading? You got some laundry you really need to be doing? Ok..ok..I'll get to the point. What really sent me over the edge to quit the news media (besides #3..making fun of the media and politicians doesn't really count..does it?) give it all up like Jeff Conaway's last 20 stints..was the fact that politicians started running for the next presidency 4 YEARS EARLY!! Holy Santa baby! That is ridiculous. Which leads to the point of this rant (sorry I'll get you another band-aid),

Can we have any respect for the current President?!

It drives me nuts, I think it is sooo disrespectful. As I previously mentioned in #1 through#5, I don't care what your politics are..if you voted for the current president or not...It is disrespectful for politicians from both parties to start their presidential campaign pretty much the next day after a President is sworn in. I wanna be next! PICK ME, PICK ME! For the media to blast it all over the place, and give them so much air time..for them all to just spew their inflated campaign polices.

They are only "campaign polices", for they always change their policies once they actually get into office. Why? Well this is what happens once they actually get briefed on the current status of America and sworn in for their new job: "Ohh..gee..it is not as easy as I brainwashed everyone to think." "I thought we had more money than that...quick..someone get China on the phone..we need a loan so I don't look stupid!" DOH!

Meanwhile while everyone is focusing on who is gonna be the next President..the current President just gets shoved aside. He is free to get Cheney, and go to the ranch and play beer pong and eat peanuts for the next 4 years. Why not? No one seems interested in what is actually going on in the CURRENT administration. Everyone is to busy chiving for their next spot. Not showing up to their congressional meetings..because they are to busy on the campaign trail. "Oh what? I actually do have a job that I am being paid for to not show up to? Just mark me down for PRESENT!"

The media is all to busy trying to get the scoop on the latest dish on a presidential candidate. You know..Palin's daughter is pregnant and she may have got her ex brother in law fired. You know Obama attended a church with a angry American hating black man. You know John Edward is cheating on his dying wife. You know that Hilliary and Bill Clinton are just one scandal away from Nixon. Does Obama even have a birth certificate? I also heard he was a Muslim. McCain's wife was a pill popper! Oh the juicy juice.

So I got campaign fatigue a while back..and had to back away. Do I really need to hear 4 years worth of campaigning? There still needs to be a certain level of respect given to whom ever is in office. So we are not distracted from the current issues. There needs to be a law passed that states you are only allowed to campaign for the presidency 2 years before. It is getting way to out of hand. Even now Obama has "president elect" on all his podium's..what a nice jester. But when you handle a press conference to address the bombing in India? HELLOO!? CAN the real president stand up? Obama needs to be busy reading all his briefing notes and planning his policy changes..and let the current president finish his job and handle the current tragedies please. Isn't that what we are paying him for?

All I want is a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T for whomever is actually in office. Focus our attention. there..and get them to work. Can the rest of you political ladder climbing politicians all just wait your turn..I promise Barbra Walters will be call each and every one of you for a sit down interview..just be patient! You will get your tv time.

Can you tell I am glad this election is FINALLY over? Ridiculous!

BTW- Has anyone even seen Cheney around lately? I think we may need to get a Hussy Huntdown going. Find out what we are paying him to do? Shoot people? Maybe I will get Dwight on that hunt. He will get to the bottom of it....

Friday Facts

1. From the age of 20 to his death, Winston Churchill smoked an estimated 300,000 cigars.
2. In case you were wondering: The average rhino's horn grows at a rate of three inches per year.
3. Family Values: 75% of U.S. adults live within an hour's drive of their parents.
4. The average person laughs seven to eight times a day. (Unless you read my blog..then you are above average ☺)
5. If a pack-a-day smoker inhaled a week's worth of nicotine all at once, they would die instantly.
6. According to many psychologists, fingernail biting is a sign of stubbornness.
7. More shoplifters are arrested on Wednesday in January than any other time of the year.
8. There's enough salt in the world's oceans to cover the entire U.S. with a layer 1 1/2 miles deep.
9. Louis XIV had 40 wigmakers...and approx. 1,000 wigs.
10. Austin, Dallas, and Houston are all Scottish surnames.

We interrupt these rants to bring you:

The Secret Santa Can Suck it Gift Swap!

Bee over at Bee's Musings put together this Grinch Spiritless Swap. How do you Grinch it up? Well you just show the picture of what you WOULD have bought them had you cared enough about them to actually have bought them something. I was blessed with being able to not get Anndi from "Where am I going from here?" anything really. Just this post of pictures and words. For this particular post, The Hussy will be going by her elf name: Tinker Sugar Socks

I, Tinker Sugar Socks, am happy to have a new innocent target to corrupt and Hussify. I just hope she didn't make any plans this week....she might not be making it around for a few days!

So what did I decide to NOT buy Anndi? Well I don't know her to well..know her wants, desires, and mental needs..but in lieu of my previous post on Red Dawn coming (GO READ TO UNDERSTAND THIS POST)....I thought I would give her a "Post Red Dawn" Hussy Bag. As I was busy yesterday packing my Red Dawn Hussy bag..I found a few things I could spare and pass on to Anndi. After all, I want her to make it out of this Christmas Season alive. You never know what could happen to you when you leave the bunker to go out there combat shopping!

Below is my Grinch sleigh that I loaded up with Anndi's "Hussy Bag." As you can see I have many survival supplies for her post Red Dawn life. I will go through and explain each gift:

First things first. You need a bag to carry all this loot in..so I gave Anndi a exclusive Christmas time only, Hussy Housewife "Turning Tricks" bag: Next up we have what every one needs for getting through these tough economic times...A bunch of cronies, AKA my "Partners in Crime." I got her a Hussy Housewife bobblehead, a Capt. LeatherFace bobblehead, and a Dwight bobblehead. These will come in handy when she is combat Christmas shopping. When you feel threatened..just pull one out and wave it in the air. People will slowly back away. Other items to have on hand in the Hussy Bunker, Cheap white wine. We still need to look classy when living underground:We must not forget one of the most important things to have on hand, Dehydrated water:This one comes in handy the next morning after drinking to much cheap white wine. I also got her a "Popping Pills Poop Duck." I gave her my old dirty one. This item will come in handy when you start hearing more voices in your head from isolation issues. These happy pills will help keep the paranoia down..so you don't get to trigger happy.

Next we have some Hussy Heels. They double as a door stopper and a deadly weapon. I want her to still look fierce in the mountains, but still be armed.

I also packed along a sweet baby. Now, I don't know if she already has children of her own, but I figured the more the better. You need to make sure you have someone to propagate the species if anything goes wrong or you break a heel. I am sure my cronies in the bunker will help keep her entertained, but I still didn't want her to feel lonely and cold at night. So I also bought her the "Hug me boyfriend Pillow."Again, I don't know if she is single and ready to mingle..but I figured this would keep Capt. LeatherFace out of her bed at night. He smells, and has bad morning bunker breath. Lastly, I bought her the most important gift besides the bobbleheads...the red panic button:This she can push when she is in grave danger and all her happy pills have ran out! I will appear in my cape and pass some more booze and pills!

Merry Christmas Anndi!

Tinker Sugar Socks AKA The Hussy Houswife

The Bailouts, Bombings, and Black Friday Rant

So as I previously posted, I usually never talk about this kind of hoopla..or do rants for that matter. However, due to the amounting utter chaos and idiocracy by the human race..I am left with no choice. Plus, I think the ranting I did last week on commercials may have helped my shingles a little. So in honor of my shingles...I shall hereby dedicate this Jamie rant, and the next one, to my neurological nightmare. May they cease to itch and exist! Now onto the the main event. I have the following speech prepared for this very post:

My fellow blog neighbors, The Hussy Housewife is half lit here to address the latest shenanigans. Due to the recent chaotic events mentioned in this post title, it is time to take action. It is time to grab your guns, because RED DAWN is upon us. If you don't have a gun, just make a spud gun. Then get to the nearest produce section of your local grocery store, load up on yukons, yellow, red, russet, white, fingerling, and blue potatoes. Depending on your party affiliation and race. If you voted for McCain, maybe you want to go with a white and red potato mix. If you voted for Obama, maybe you will want to go with a yellow and blue potato mix. Either way, my fellow blogee's, Red Dawn is coming! If any of you want to be in the Hussy Housewife's posses, the Wolverines, then get your knumbchucks, toilet paper, cheese slicers, blow up dolls, spanx, and booby trap manuals! We need to bounce to the mountains fo' shizzel nizzel!

Actually it is more like the Purple Dawn if you mix red and blue together. For people from both parties have participated in this injustice (bombings aside). The only difference is we don't have the Soviet Union coming over for a hostile takeover and vodka...we have greedy, private jet flying CEO's, nut job terrorists with bombs, and freak show shoppers that have been up and in line for hours, and are hyped up on caffeine. It is like one gigantic monster of greed and hysteria. Instead of a "one eyed, one horned, giant purple people eater" we have a "greedy corporate america selfish consumers giant purple terrorist people killer" on the loose. Normally I am not a: "doomsdayhippialienarmegendontemplefreak", but folks things are looking about as dim as a rehab facilities cavity search. "Please face the wall, we are gonna have to take a peak into the darkness of the human race." Why? Because we are in a very dark, scary, stinky place in the human race. We have a bunch of big, ugly, sick, asses running around this globe like a fat farm fun run. Normally I would go into the logistics of my polices on these three big "B's", but I don't have the time. I have to get busy packing my Purple Dawn bag with all things Hussy. Dwight right now is strategically planning the location of our bunker, as well as the construction and engineering plans. I gotta go help Capt. Joesph with the meal planning so we don't end up eating pickled fish, saltine crackers, and only have spiced rum to drink.

Oh...and by the way, the picture at the very top-left is incorrect. If I were to shoot you, it wouldn't just be in the leg. If you were a man..I would first shoot you in the frank 'n' beans, let you groan in pain for about 10 minutes or so..then shoot you in the leg, then finish you off with a head shot. If you were a female..I would shoot you in the leg first, once I had your attention..I would then ask if you have children. If not, head shot. If yes..I would just shoot in the arm..then disarm you. The Hussy does have a soft spot for moms!

Here is my crew spotting out greedy americans...if you want in...you better put your big boy undies on and give me a call!! See ya in the hills. Watch out because I'll be packing some ammo and paranoid...........

Friday Facts

1. Florence Nightingale carried a pet owl in her pocket wherever she traveled.
2. Idaho is the only state in the U.S. that has never had a foreign flag flying over it.
3. Man of the world: Both China and Russia have their own "Tarzan" legends.
4. People drink coffee in every state...but Hawaii is the only state that grows it.
5. Built in bias? 96.1% of television writers are white.
6. Playing football was outlawed at Yale University in 1822. Maximum fine: 50 cents.
7. Brazilian fans are so rowdy that many of the country's sport fields are surrounded by moats.
8. Legal logic: In 19th-century England, attempting suicide was a crime punishable by death.
9. Japan has only half of the population of the U.S., but buys 10 times as many comic books.
10. That white half-moon under your fingernail is an air pocket. No one knows why it's there.

Well except me of course! Have a great weekend.

Before I start my rants....

First let me explain that I have been living in my own perfect bubble for about 8 months give or take. I am not sure exactly when it was..when you live in a fantasyland time goes by so quickly! Quickly in my perfect, shingles, potty training, Muffin Top killing, kid shuttling bubble. You should try my fantasyland..the view is great. You can almost see the chaos and hear the screams from the deck over looking my life. Why the bubble? Is it bubblicious? Bubblegum flavor or watermelon? No, it is in hopes of not having to hear all the garbage out in left-right-liberal-conservative-up-down media news land.

So where does one have to go to get to my fantasyland? Is it far? Are there 500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets their? Well, almost a year ago I quit watching the news, reading the newspaper, and watching commercials. I am so unbrainwashed that I make Jonestown look like a national holiday on a calendar that I don't own. Go ahead all of you, buy their calendar. Hang out in the spin zone news land. While you are all gulping down antidepressants, comfort foods, and building a bunker under your house...I will be drinking beer from my frosted pilsner glass, while I dance naked in my kitchen over a batch of carmel popcorn.

The only place I get my daily news from is watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. I get my fashion news from watching The Hills, The Housewife's of Atlanta, and Project Runway. I get my cooking techniques from Top Chef and Paula Dean. My social strategies from watching Survivor and The View. My health news from Oprah and WebMD. My weather report from looking out the window. Lastly, my crime rate stats from The First 48 and my family. I only record things on my DVR. So I am not watching the mindless-brainwashing commercials that people come up with.

People who make commercials must REALLY think we are a bunch of stupid Homo Sapiens. I guess all that money that the we and the government spend on education is going in one ear and out the other. Of course it would have to be when everyone has their ears attached to a Ipod or Bluetooth..fingers texting or twittering. But then again..who is stupider? The ones who make the commercials or the people who fall for them. Yes people your life will be perfect if you get that 52 inch HDTV. Your neighbors will all want to have affairs with you when you park your new SUV in your driveway. But after you pay out the resulting alimony, is it worth it? Your kids will love you, and will only put you in the best nursing home when you get older if you buy them the Wii, the Rockband, or a new cell phone that can do so much for them, they don't really even need you around anymore..except as a ATM. Gentlemen, your wives will give you many..many nights of pleasure if you just buy her those diamond earnings that 3 people lost their limbs over to mine. Women, your house will practically clean itself if you get all those great plastic household cleaning gadgets that clog up our landfills.

Of course, if it is major news I end up hearing about it..like the following headlines that I will be ranting about soon. I accidentally may have just started my rant a little to soon...

For all those that want to come visit me in my fantasyland-bubble, just let me know and I will email you the directions.

My Family is trying to slowly kill me!

Ok..I apologize for my absence..but I SWEAR I have a good explanation which I will get to in a sentence or ten. I know..I know..I used to blog every day. Blah..blah..blah..yada..yada. I got yelled at last night by my nanny in waiting (NIW)for not posting. (Side note: I know you are reading this NIW, and may you be warned that until you get your drivers license, I won't consider letting you move in to become my nanny!) Sorry, hoping threats will work..had to try.

In my defense I have been doing some things. I blogged today over at HumorBloggers Blog . Every Wednesday is my Slang word of the week series. Check it out! Also on the home front, the trees are up in each of the kids rooms and decorated. The advent calender is up and running. The family tree will be going up tonight. It is not like I have been laying around eating white chocolate and carmel popcorn all day.....well maybe a little. I do have to go through Thanksgiving detox a little.

Back to my excuse I have for ignoring all you...I have SHINGLES again..like the 5th time this year. HOLY MARIE CALENDAR'S CHICKEN POT PIE! My family is trying to slowly kill me...in laws and all! For it is stress, and anxiety induced. For it must be all their fault, right? They all must have swarmed me over the Holiday's like I was a beehive covered in pollen. Actually not this time I am afraid...I think I got it from the stress on my body from the flu, the funeral and 17 four year olds? Who knows for sure, but just like a Jack in the Box.....you can wind and wind me up....but I always still managed to pop up and push through it. Ok, maybe I do need a nanny. Someone to give me a break here and there. I am tired of getting shingles. I also took a week off of the Gym and blogging..my two stress relievers..so that contributed to it also. Yes I need you guys like Oprah needs Gayle. PLEASEDON'TLEAVEME! I am a fragile butterfly. Sing it, "I NEED YOU TO NEED ME!"

So I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving's. I listened to the stuffing at the table, and stuffed myself. Three Turkey's and two Hams later..I managed to still fit into my workout pants I put on this morning. I went and plopped my bloated Muffin Top onto my bike. Boy was that fun. Speaking of..to my fellow Muffin Top Killers..I promise to post soon. I have however been keeping up on my family blog..does that count for cutting me some slack??

In my previous post I accidentally forgot to express my thankfulness to Al Gore for inventing the Internet..allowing me to chat with all you. Sorry Al to the G, I will give credit where credit is due. So thank you. Also while I never get serious on this blog..I know people come here to laugh..my next few post may have to take the serious turn...people have gone clear off their rockers lazyboy's. I may need to address these freak shows out there.....