Happy THANKS and GIVING

I have lots to be thankful for and realize this the older I get. I guess age does make you wiser. Which is good because if you are going to get older, you'd better get something out of it besides a larger medicine cabinet and frequent flier miles at the Doctors office.

Thanks

I am thankful for my family, nuclear and extended, who all have good health. No one on either side suffers from any major illness. My grandparents are spunkier than ever. That is such a blessing.

I am thankful for all my friends who are such fun, kind spirited people.

I am thankful that the economic crisis has not affected myself or anyone else in my family.

I am thankful for the opportunity to be a stay at home mom, and my husband who makes that possible since I retired. Though some days are ruff, and that potty training my son almost landed me in rehab.....I wouldn't trade it for anything. We may even be adding to our family this next year!

I am thankful for and love all my blog buddies....even all you quiet lurkers out there. Maybe you will say hi sometime.

Giving

I have been giving a lot more this year and paying if forward as some would say. You can give in so many ways, not just in montary ways. Time to those who need your undivided attention. Children and spouses are usually the most in need of this. My hubby and I make sure we spend on one time with each of our kids. For instance, we rotate taking our daughter to her Kindermusik classes. I think kids really benefit from have these times alone with each parent. A listening ear to those who need someone to talk to. One where you don't always try to solve their problems and tell them what to do, but just hear them out. Gifts that mean more that a price tag. My kids and I just recently sent a care package to my cousin in South Korea. She is there for a year and has no oven. She is craving baked goods. So we sent her a bunch of goodies, and she then had to fend off her hubby to get any! Laughter is the best medicine and I try to make my friends laugh when I am with them. The Hussy even make strangers laugh. What a Hussy she is ..always giving and giving. Friendship is a great gift to give someone...if they want to be your friend..you might want to check this out first. I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. It does bring more joy to give than receive.

Ok..gotta run..I have 4 Thanksgiving dinners to help make,eat and clean up this week. I am sure I will hate Turkey by the end of it all. Blog ya later!

Lesson 1: How a Housewife puts lipstick on a Pig

Ok. We are back for all your "official" first lesson on PLOP, Putting Lipstick On a Pig. Please go read the first post to get yourself up to par. I need you bright eyed and fixed up. Attention on me, I do not like to repeat myself. Feel free to take notes, and no passing notes unless they are for me. Autographs will only be signed after class.

Now remember I am doing this for your own good. So you can spend your time doing more leisurely activities. I don't want to see you out there exhausting yourself trying to be the Leave it to Beaver of your neighborhood. There is a much easier way. You can thank me later.

First off, there are several areas of where PLOP can and do take place. I will try to cover the main areas. You may be familiar with some of these areas:

1. Your personal appearances
2. The bedroom
3. Your home
4. Your dinner
5. Your friends
6. Your Children
7. Your relationships

Today we will begin with a history lesson of the one of the main areas where PLOP really first caught on, your personal appearance. Where the successful idea of "bait and switch" got its legendary start. We need to start here so all you women/men can successfully go out into the world and "bait" your suitor. How else are you going to turn into a housewife or housedad? First we need to set the bait. I will just cover a few to get you started.

1. Perfume/cologne. Yes women and men really upped their game with the invention of scented oils and fragrances. Egyptians were the first to use perfume and incense. They invented glass, and perfume bottles were one of the first common uses for glass. Women and men began to use lack of plumbing and bathing as one of the first POLP's. Rose petals was one of the most popular early scents. The science behind this PLOP is that perfume/cologne manufactures make a mixture of human pheromones. These pheromone compounds are proved to sexually excite the opposite sex and create feelings of deep connection.

PLOP Rule: If you got the funk, don't worry your ship ain't sunk. Just cover up the smell to attract a suitor.

2. Wigs. They started out with a function, Egyptians wore them to shield their shaved heads from the sun. Later they became popular for plays and dress up or to show prestige. In the 16th century they started wearing them to compensate for hair loss or improving one's personal appearance. Then they moved on to serve as practical purpose. To help control the unhygienic times of head lice. A problem that was reduced by shaving ones hair, and replaced with a de-loused artificial hairpiece. Back in the day a woman's crowning glory was her hair. It was rarely cut, usually only in severe illness. If it had to be cut..time to PLOP! Caught a bad gig..get a wig! Us modern women now use wigs/hair extensions/weaves or dye our hair and roots for POLP. Leaving women all across America to shout, "Girl...don't ya touch my weave!" or "Girl, I need to get my roots did!" All in hopes of dressing up their sex appeal. Men have toupees for the same effect..or as I like to say, "Drugs, plugs or rugs!" However bald can be beautiful..as long as you have a nice head.

PLOP Rule: If you don't have a good mop...you still don't have to take off your top! Just get er' hair did!

3. A Merkin. While we are on the subject of wigs. A Merkin is a pubic wig, originally worn by prostitutes after shaving their genitalia to eliminate lice or disguise the marks of syphilis. First know use was around 1617. There are many different ways of wearing a Merkin, although most involve placing the Merkin on the vulva or the scrotum. Now days, President Bush is not the only bush on the was out. Present day PLOP grooming seems to be preferring no hair. People wax, shave any hair they see. From the upper lip..down to the legs. The Brazilian wax seems to be the new fad. Although not everyone prefers to mow the whole lawn at once..some like to leave a landing strip per say. Rule of PLOP is to look well groomed to your suitor. Men need to "manscape", don't think they are off the hook. They may get out on the pain of child birth, but they still need to wax the boys.

PLOP Rule: Bushy Beavers are out. Bald Eagles are in. If your eagle gets to cold at night, just put a Merkin on to warm up.

4. Makeup. Started with white powder and rouge, beetroot, or berries for women's cheeks. In the 19th century, women wanted to be thought of as fragile. Even compared themselves to delicate flowers and emphasised their delicacy and femininity. They wanted to look pale. Time to PLOP! This paleness was achieved by drinking vinegar and avoiding fresh air. Women would then use a little rouge on the cheeks. Pale skin meant that a lady could afford to not work outdoors getting suntanned which was then considered vulgar. Other ways POLP was achieved...rooms were shuttered with dark heavy velvet curtains to keep out the sun's rays. Fine blue lines also were painted on the skin to increase the appearance of delicate translucent skin showing veins. Now days most women won't even go to bed or leave the house with out "their face on." or fake lashes on, and of course the legendary lipstick. You don't want to be a "butter face" where everything looked good but the face. Gotta keep the facade going...

PLOP Rule: If your skin is a pain, paint on some veins. Or if your skin ain't looking so swell, put on about ten layers of makeup and lipstick as well.

Homework for all the singles: Ladies and gents go out and get your scented pheromones, makeup, wigs, weaves, hair extensions, lipstick, merkins, and wax jobs. Get out there and throw your bait out. Report back if any of these PLOP tactics that work.

Friday Facts

Lets move on to a more sanitary topic
1. It was a sin to eat woodpeckers in ancient Rome.
2. An adult crocodile exerts a force of 1,540 lbs. between its jaws. Humans exert 40 to 80 lbs.
3. At its current rate of erosion, Niagara Falls will completely disappear in 22,800 years.
4. Despite its hump, a camel has a straight spine.
5. For the past 150 years, Bolivia has averages about one new government a year.
6. Nothing to sneeze at: Pollen lasts forever.
7. The average American travels a million miles in their lifetime, mostly by car.
8. First vehicle to use inflatable rubber tires: Queen Victoria's carriage, in 1846.
9. The New York Yankees were the first baseball team to assign numbers to players, in 1929.
10. New Mexico is the only state named after a country.

Part 2: A Funeral, The Flu, and 17 Four year olds!

WHENWILLTHISMADNESSEND!!?? Sorry can't stop myself from interjections..I am addicted like chap stick.

Before I finish this series of unfortunate events...why do they call it the Flu? I did fly anywhere..it was more like a mad dash.

So about 30 minutes into hanging with my friends..I suddenly felt like I was going to puke. I didn't even tell my hubby, I just left and went home to bed. Where I then yelled HEAVEN HELP ME! While running to the toilet. Puking up Strawberry Jello Pretzel Salad up. This result in me NEVER wanting to eat that again for a long time. It used to be a weakness to me, I loved the stuff. Now my Muffin Top yelled THANK THE LORD! WE HAVE BEEN SAVED! Yeah, Muffin Top you may get off this time..but I am sure I will find a new crutch to temp me with. Don't celebrate to early. The Holiday season is upon us....

So I was going to call my hubby and let him know I left him and he would have to get a ride home..but he beat me to it.

Me: Hello.
Hubby: Where are you?
Me: Home dying...please don't let them keep me on life support to long..just pull the plug.
Hubby: What is wrong?
Me: Oh I am puking and shitting through a screen door over here. I don't know if I should go in head first or ass first.
Hubby: OOHHH! You mean like the FLU!? (he then proceeds to laugh...please see last post's conversation)
Me: (thinking CRAP! I am never gonna hear the end of this!) Ummm...yeeahhh...I think it might just be something I ate or anxiety. You know anxiety can cause flu like symptoms.
Hubby: WHAT? Anxiety? I have never heard of that...you have the flu.
Me: GROAN! Oh I gotta go!! Bye!

By the the time he came home, I was still praying to the porcelain god, having body aches, the Hershey squirts, and in and out of the tub. He held my hair, cleaned up my messes, and took great care of me for a few hours...THEN...lone behold...he said HE didn't feel so good! WELL.WELL.WELL! You don't say? I thought somebody got a free flu shot? Interesting..very interesting. Then the whole night we both puked and had the chills. At one point he was puking at the toilet and I was forced to the bathroom sink. True Love. We just laughed and thought, the one night we have to go out, sleep in, we are sick in bed.

The next 12 hours consisted of several more interjections. Such as, I think I am gonna fart? NO!NO! A SHART! A SHART! Run to the bathroom to access damage. Gonna need spray in wash for this one. Or OH!OH!OH!MOVE!MOVE! As I make a mad dash to the toilet to loose my last breakfast/lunch/and dinner. Then MOAN! GROAN! WHOAUSME! As you lay in bed with the chills then fever then chills. Repeat this process on a running loop for hours. How much was that flu shot again? Nope never mind..I still stand my what I said earlier.

The 17 four year olds:

All I could do was pray that is was just the 24 hour flu. I had a big Sunday planned..I couldn't be sick. It was my sons four year old Pirate Buccaneer Birthday Bash..and I didn't want miss the look on his face when he saw his pirate ship cake and all his friends and presents. BLIMEY! But things were not looking so good for me. I couldn't get out of bed. Or be less than 5 feet away from a toilet at all times. I will say my hubby's flu shot may have helped his flu not last as long as mine. He started to feel better within 16 hours. I told him he may be on his own with 17 four year olds. He was great and told me to stay in bed. I was chugging down Theraflu...which led to GAG! CHOKE! GAG! PUKE! That stuff is nasty, and I have a bad gag reflex. YUCK!

So I stopped having liquids coming out of all my orifices . The body ache and chill subsided, and I pushed my weak body out of bed to get ready to get my kids and go to the party..then the phone rings..RING! RING! What more can I endure? I hear my hubby say, "Oh no..really?" I think WHAT! I swear I have been a somewhat of a good girl this year Santa..how much more must I suffer? Hubby tells me we gotta hurry and go..son woke up from his nap puking. This news comes 30 minutes before his party is to start. Perfect..this is just pukey.

We arrive..I check him. No chills, fever, diarrhea..looks fine. Then I am informed of all the food and junk he was given after church..at McDonald's..etc. He says he is fine to go to his party. WHEW! Something is working out for me after all this? I guess Santa agrees that i have been a good girl. Off we go to enjoy 17 four year olds, 15+ adults and a few other older kids, and we all had a great time. Kids had a blast and shouted, screamed all kinds of Interjections like: YIPPEE! YEAH! WOW! HURRAY!

And we all lived happily ever after,
THE END

So how was all your weekends?

Jamie's Episode 9: A Funeral, The Flu, and 17 Four year olds!

Ok. Back. That was a false alarm, but you can never take a chance on that type of body function. First off...I am very tired and would not be blogging right if not for the 2 nice comments I got from my blog friends waiting for the next part of my Jamie Episode. I don't like to leave people hanging. They probably are just in anticipation of laughing at misery...but who can blame them really...I would laugh at their misery given the chance. Only to work my ab muscles of course..not for any other sinister reasons.

Oh what? Why am I so tired? Well my mommy instincts kicked in today at 1 am...sensing something was up. I wake up out of a dead sleep just after 1 am. Trying to figure out why am I up? I knew my mommy instincts were tuning in, and I noticed my 4 year old's bedroom door was open. So I go check. He is no where to be found. Go look downstairs and sure enough he is down there watching TV! Last time this happened my hubby found him watching a Cindy Crawford infomercial on skin care products for who knows how long. He probably knows more about taking care of his skin than I do, and I may have to ask him for a few suggestions. He doesn't know how to change the channel to cartoons....so he will just watch infomercials sometimes. After I got him in bed..I couldn't go back to bed till 4am. Then up at 8..hence why I am tired. Just more shenanigans from this household. So "Today's post brought to you by the Da Old Man and Reforming Geek!" Give them thanks, otherwise I would be in bed. Now on to my weekend escapades. Sorry for the delay......

The Funeral:

The Funeral was very sad for me. The world lost a great guy. I tried to keep a somber face, but I am a softy at heart..only after becoming a mother though. Once you bring life into this world..it puts a whole new perspective on life and death. I also easily give in to slide shows. Needless to say I interjected several SOBS! WAILS! So much in fact that my tissue became a wad of tree fibers that I kept rubbing into my eyes. Resulting in several small pieces of tissue going into my eyes..causing them to burn and ache for a few days..may I interject? OUCH! TREE FIBER DAGGERS IN MY EYES!

On to the next shenanigans...never a dull moment in my life...

The Flu:

Saturday night hubby and I had the night off, with the kids staying the night at grandparents. Causing us to scream several interjections, YIPPEE! OMG! HOORAY! SWEET BABY JESUS!What should we do? We hoped to visit with our friend who was in town for the funeral, and go to a UFC fight night with a bunch of friends. This euphoria lasted for me 1 hour from dropping the kids off. My Elaine luck kicked in. I had felt a chill a few hours earlier, but shrugged it off as old man frost coming to town. After dropping off the kids, we headed to the store for some goodies to bring to the evenings functions. As we are leaving we see a sign "Flu vaccine sold here."

Before I go into this story, let me just say....I hate being wrong. Hubby hates that I am always right. After 10 years of realizing that I am like birth control pills 99.9% effective, he has finally realized that I am like the Encyclopedia Britannica. He rarely gets one up on me. I do however, don't ever have a problem admitting when I am wrong...just never have to swallow that pill to much. Just ask my husband.☺So on goes this debate with hubby:

Me: "Why would I want to get injected with last years strand of the flu? The influenza virus mutants at a high rate, and the flu strands in these vaccines are only made based on predictions of which strand will be the most prevalent one the following flu season.

Hubby: "Well I get one every year, and haven't had the flu in a while. Plus they are free at my work."

Me: "If you were at Jonestown and they were passing out free Kool-aid ..would you drink it? You could still get one of the many other strands of the flu, or get the flu from the shot which does happen from time to time. The World Health Organization has to work at least a year in advance (due to the time it takes to manufacture the vaccine) to figure out which strains will end up circulating in North America. So it is a some what of a educated guess on what they end up compiling for the next flu season...plus it is last years before it had a chance to mutant. Two strikes against your shot my dear. Good Luck."

Hubby: "Well I am gonna keep getting them, and I bet the next time you get the flu you will think twice."

Me: "Don't get me wrong, I do think their is a place for the vaccine. I think older people and people with medical complications should get them as a precaution, but I personally think it's just a waste of time and money. I prefer to develop my immune system strength other ways, so if I were to get the flu, I can fight it off and be stronger as a result. Proper nutrition, exercise, sex, Vitamin C, plenty of sleep,..etc.

Hubby: "Well I guess we shall see..roll the dice. See who comes out on top"

Me: "Maybe I don't want you getting the shot...because now they are linking the Aluminum that is in flu vaccines. Which is a toxic heavy metal that has been associated with an increased incidence of Alzheimer's Disease. You already forget everything. I don't need you increasing your chances."

To be continued.....

(I know, I know..this weekend /story never ends)

Jamie's Episode 9: I had a few Interjections this weekend

OHMYGOODNESSWHEREONEARTHHAVEIBEEN!? First let me say...yes I am still alive..but I was on death's doorstep this last weekend. Second, you are all welcome for getting "Mrs. Hussy Roboto" stuck in your heads for several days. That being said..on to business, I then had to take a break from my blog for many of these unforeseen circumstances that were beyond my bowel control. All of these unforeseen circumstances resulted in several interjections been yelled out! My last Jamie's Episodes 8, I taught you how to change a tire. Just think of what amazement you may learn from this Jamie's Episode? Maybe something to write a college thesis on?

My weekend ended up looking like a episode of Seinfeld where I play Elaine, and my weekend partakes in a series of unfortunate events. Causing me to shove and push people while yelling interjections like, "GET OUT OF HERE!" in true Elaine style. Unlike her I am not dating every Tom, Dick, and Harry (That is the Hussy)..but like her...the bad luck seemed to trail me around like the smell of cinnabuns at the mall.

This past weekends interjections can be attributed to three major events all starting with the letter "F" and leading to the "F" word being interjected...FIDDLESTICKS! This was the weekend of: A Funeral, The Flu, and Four year olds (17 to be exact.) In that order. WHAT? How many of you are raising your right hand and wonder what the fudge interjections are? Ok, before I get started..I will give you all a PSA on interjections...the first part pertaining to my flu episode:

Don't worry..I never let anyone give me a shot down there. Nor was there any commas in my interjections, only exclamations points..the feeling was to strong.

WHAT! Gotta go to the Lavatory! Will have to finish this later...TO BE CONTINUED!!

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh

Every year during harvest, many of us head out to the local farm to pick out pumpkins and drink apple cider. This year was a interesting event. I went with my son's preschool class..daughter in tow. That morning I had a bad case of the stink eye/face thanks to my 2 year old. So in order to relax and put on my happy face for this event...I listened to Pink Floyd's, "Hey You" on repeat for the whole 30 minute drive. "Hey You"= Happy Momma.

When I arrived, the stink face had disappeared and I was ready to get me a nice pumpkin. Going to a the local farm is a different experience for me. When some of you go a farm, you may see cute furry lambs, cute pink piglets squealing, cute moo cows, unicorns and rainbows. However, I have a whole different perspective. While I am a retired biologist, I still can't help but see everything through eyes of a scientist..carefully studying everything. I see lamb chops, sausage egg and cheese biscuits, and whopper Jr's. I will give you my version of what I saw at the farm..while all the kids were busy petting the pretty dog food horses. This is what I documented for scientific research of course.

Warning: Following pictures may cause disturbing, vivid nightmares or flashbacks of your own tormented past. Features Copulation, Urination, Procreation, and Expiration.

My version of the popular children's song, "Old MacDonald had a Farm..."

Old MacDonald had a farm..OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!

And on his farm he had a brother and sister copulating..OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!With a hump-hump here, and a hump-hump there.

Here a learning disability, there a short bus.

Everywhere a missing chromosome.

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh.

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh.

And on his farm he had a sow urinating on her piglets. OH-MY-OH-MY-Oh I gotta GO!With a splash-splash here.

And a tinkle-tinkle there.

Here a splash, there a tinkle.

Everywhere a golden shower.

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh.

Old MacDonald had a farm OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!

And on his farm he had some beaver pelts. OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!With a blond one here.

And a brunette one there.

Here a blonde, there a brunette.

Everywhere an pelt-pelt.

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh.

Old MacDonald had a farm..OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!

And on his farm he had a shot gun shell...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh!

With a bang-bang here, and a bang-bang there.
Here a hamburger, there a pound of bacon.
Everywhere a New York Steak.

Old MacDonald had a farm...OH-MY-OH-MY-Ohhh.

My Blog Turns ONE Today *whistles*

One year later to the date, and 257 posts delusional shenanigans later. The Hussy Housewife, my third child alter ego turns 1 today. She isn't completely walking on her own yet, just cruising on the furniture rolling around on the bed naked. She is slowly learning all the freedom she has in the blog-0-sphere. Spreading her love and laughter throughout all the series of tubes, known as the intranet. Ohh just look at her...ain't she cute: Capt. LeatherFace, Deranged Dwight, and I will all be taking (in order of being mentioned) a shot/fake shot with water in it/beer...at exactly 1:38 pm, Standard Pacific Time. Our way of honoring the exact point of time when my first draft had the publish button pushed. If you all would like to honor her....feel free to have a moment of silence at this exact time today..or maybe a drink, toast, bowel movement, send her presents. Or give the Hussy a shout out in the comments telling her what she means to you (a hussy loves terms of endearment.) Tell her what your favorite posts have been. I am going to be putting up a "Top 10 Post" with the responses. So go on now and celebrate.....

Friday Facts

1. For the first federal income tax (1914), the "normal" tax rate was 1%. Five years later, it was 77%.
2. St. Paul in Alberta, Canada, is the home of the world's only (known) flying saucer launch pad.
3. According to one expert, the less you blink the happier you are.
4. Meow! Number of muscles in a cat's ear: 32.
5. Vincent Van Gogh was able to sell only one painting (The Red Vineyard) during him lifetime.
6. Michelangelo drew his illiterate cook a shopping list. Today it's a priceless work of art.
7. Famous but forgotten superstition: People with dimpled chins never commit murder.
8. Birds do fly south for winter, but not to get warm. They do it for food.
9. At one point, 74% of Pepsi drinkers said they'd switch to Coke "if it contained oat bran."
10. Survey results: Most men blame their partner after bad sex, most females blame themselves.

Halloween Binge = Muffin Top Madness

That is right, as I previously posted...I know you all have been VERY...VERY bad little mommies and daddies. Some of you graciously stood up in front of the group and stated, "Hello my name is_____, and I am sugar-a-holic/candy thief. Thank you all for your honesty..this honesty will help you in this next phase. I mean really, do you think no one is going to know what you did? That your muffin top went from a regular Muffin Top..to a Costco size Muffin Top for no good reason? That your Junk in your trunk just came home from a flea market, and bought everything in sight? That your beer belly went from a 6 pack to a half rack? Lets get real people..your jeans did not shrink. The dryer had no part in your feeding frenzy of Halloween goodness. Don't be a "blame shifter." It is time to put down the "fun size" bars and get serious.

You all need to have a plan of action in place before the Thanksgiving/Christmas baking season begins. Every sugar-a-holic knows that this time of year is like the Olympics of sugary goods. We all train year round for these big events. It is like candy rain pouring down everywhere you look..every where you try to hide...you can't escape. Then next thing you know..you wake up next to Kristie Alley with chocolate smeared all over your face wondering what happened the night before. These can be embarrassing situations. This is when you realize who really is in control of your life. It is time for you to get back behind the wheel of the crazy bus you are driving. Help is out there, and that is why you need to join my group:

The Muffin Top Killers,
Our slogan.."Stop the Top!"

I started this blog back in May. We have all kinds of fun over there. How do you know if you need to join? Well if you answer yes to one or more of these questions:

1. Well first off..if you had temptation issue this year with Halloween candy and stole any of your children's candy. SHAME ON YOU! (I did it too, don't worry)
2. If your health insurance company threatened to rise your monthly premium if you didn't loose 10 pound by renewal time.
3. You shop at Lane Bryant and/or receive coupons in the mail from them.
4. You think Potato Chips are part of the vegetable food group.
5. Has your doctors dictated in his notes that you are "slightly overweight."
6. You think BMI stands for Buy More Ice cream
7. Haven't got your heart rate up since high school gym class besides procreation activities.
8. When you step on the scale it reads,"To be continued."
9. Keep wondering why your clothes are getting tighter than this presidential race.
10. Have worn maternity clothes when you weren't pregnant.
11. Have man boobs or wings.
12. When you bend over people tell you "Crack is Wack!"

I am joking people. This blog group is just meant to be a fun and humorous way to share secrets, encouragement, and weight loss results. Offer each other great workout tips, healthy recipes, what the good drugs to take are? Or maybe struggles along the way and rants, etc. Laughter is the best way to loose weight or stay fit and healthy. We have MTKillers of all shapes and sizes and backgrounds. This group is a private blog due to sensitively of content.

Those of you who want to join, shoot me a email, saxtonjamie@hotmail.com. I will invite you in to begin operation: Stop the Top!!

Kryptonite to Superman = Sweets to Hussy Housewife

That is right, not only superheros wear capes. The Hussy also wears one, is is just see-through. I, along with all Moms and SAHDad's, wear our capes with pride. However, while I may wear a cape, I still have a few weakness...like candy and sweets. That is why Halloween is a very scary time of year for me. You have to resits going over to the Dark Side..putting your hand in the bowl of goodies. I know all you parents have been naughty....stealing your kids loot..like myself. Hiding in the pantry snorting the kiddy cocaine up your nose like Pixy Sticks. Wait, hold on...I need a bump....*snort*.

Ok, now where was I? Yes, while your children can not press charges on you for grand candy theft (I did the research), this still is a major crime. A crime of candy passion. You could end up on the streets hussing around, looking for your next bump of low grade Pixy Sticks or cheap gumdrops. No denial my friends, fess up to your crimes. This sugar addiction can be very dangerous to your waistline, and you just can't quite cold turkey. You need to come down slowly. I speak from experience ..trust me.

You need my help. I don't want to catch you down at the local drug house candy store turning tricks for treats. So while you all are coming down from your sugar bender and suffering from a case of Halloween Hangover, I will tell you my story. How it all started for me and how I beat the sugar cane. It wasn't wasn't easy, I have had several relapses and have only been clean for 1 minute. This is a long struggle and I hope my story will help and inspire you to beat the sugar cane.

My love for sweets started out when I was a young child: Growing up I had the Devil and Angel on my shoulders. The devil always was whispering in my ear to eat the sweets. These conversations when something like this:

Me: "Mmmm, that candy sure does look sweet. I should have some. That bowl of Fruit Loops didn't fill me up"

Capt. Devil: "Yeah, lets have some. I love me some Saltwater taffy. It reminds me of the good ol' days at sea. Ohh, and Bit-O-Honey..arghhh."

Angel Dwight: "No, don't listen to him. Aren't you familiar with the adverse behavioral effects of sugar on children?"

Me: "No. Behavioral what? I am only in kindergarten, I don't understand all that stuff."

Capt. Devil: "Oh, Blimey! Ye' be always trying to ruin ar' fun. Don't listen to his barrel of rum."

Angel Dwight: "Well actually studies have shown that when children eat candy on a empty stomach, their bodies release large amounts of the hormone adrenaline, which causes symptoms like shakiness, anxiety, excitement and concentration problems."

Me: "Ohhh, that doesn't sound like fun. I do need my concentration in kindergarten. I have to grow up to lead the world. Maybe I shou.."

Capt. Devil: "AVAST! That is just a bunch barnacle bull. We can eat all the loot we want. I have only lost 12 teeth and it hasn't ruined my career."

Angel Dwight: "What career? Oh, sleeping off a hangover every morning is a career? Are you gonna listen to this Hornswaggle, or the facts. They compare this process similar to what happens to drug addicts who are coming down from drugs."

Me: "Well, you do raise a good point, but I really love Nerds and the Lick-a-Maid sticks....I mean I am sure my mom will just lay me down for my afternoon nap...and no harm will be done."

Capt. Devil: "Aye! That be' me' lass. Lets go eat some of our booty we pilfered on Halloween for that one special kid up the street!"

Angel Dwight: "Don't even get me started on on the research about childhood obesity rates..."

Me: "Capt., you get any snickers bars or butterfingers from that kid?"

See. I was doomed from early age. Don't worry though, help is on the way. I have a support group available to help you. I will tell you more on that later..I gotta go. Wanna get to my kids candy stash before they get up and take all the good chocolate.....

To be continued......

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