Friday, August 29, 2008
So I thought I would share some of these "Googles" with ya. You can click on the Google search to find out what post of mine it brought them to.
First off that Todd Whitehurst and his little swimmers are busy little guys. They are working harder than John Edwards publicist is at covering up his love child. So here are a few of the searches I get on him:
- "todd whitehurst" sperm"
- "Todd Whitehurst+Oprah"
- "TODD WHITEHURST"
Some other sorry suckers are also out there desperately trying to solve riddles. By the looks of this Google search on this riddle...I let you guys off easy:
- "Riddle + I AM ONE WITH EIGHT TO SPARE, JUST IN CASE I LOOSE MY ONE. I AM NOT A NUMBER." My Muffin Top? Oh, a starfish?
There are several people out there apparently suffering from a addiction to "huffing", in my day we just huffed gas (I know this explains a lot huh?)...but these kids now days have taken huffing to a whole new level. Parents, lock your medicine cabinets...no solvents are safe now:
-"how to get finger nail polish off of card table" Apparently Miss Chloe has been making rounds.- "nail polish for the end of august" Wow, how trendy of you. I would tell them fall colors? Auburn? Burnt Amber?- "drinking nail polish remover to get high" Hmmmm, can we say rehab? Liquor store closed?
- "fingernail polish brain cells" This person seems to be into preventive care. But it may be to late I am afraid.
- "will drinking nail polish get you high" Is this a true or flase question? I am sorry, I flunked out of a 12 step program.
- "can you get high off of nail polish remover?" This person needs to have a intervention. That or get a Chemistry degree.
So now after reading these googles, I am curious if nail polish remover can get you high? I would just like to interrupt this scheduled blog to announce:
I, J to the M to the E in no way encourage or support the use of fingernail polish remover by a means of getting high. I only encourage and support the use of legal means of getting high by way of little brown jug, prescribed medications, or aluminium cans. If you have found your way to my blog in hopes of scoring a medical release for huffing polish remover, please seek medical attention or counseling at this moment. Thank you for your time.
Oh, speaking of little brown jug. I had this google:
- "yes its true little brown jug don't love you" I don't know what they did to piss off the little brown jug, but I fear in a true state of desperation, this individual may be one of the people that googled "drinking nail polish remover to get high" Just a theory on my part. I have no proof.
I also get a lot of googles on minivans and suburbans. It seem many of you out there are facing difficult questions like:
- "why the suburban over minivan?" Because you can run a minivan over when they are going to slow!
- "suburban vs minivan?" It depends, are you a passive or aggressive driver? Do you have a dream catcher hanging from your rear view mirror? Or a Dwight bobble head on your dashboard?
- "sell me your minivan" Sorry, wrong blog..try this one: Paper is my Drug and my Therapy
- "navy seal suburban truck" This person is preparing for a "Red Dawn" or lives in northern Idaho.
- "what websites have games that allow me to drive a minivan" Ummm, not this one. Didn't you read the title? We eat them for breakfast.
Some other random Googles I get:
- "ok week" Thanks for asking, my has been so, so?
- "big o tires or les swab" Can't you get big O tires AT Les Swab YO?
- "CEO's as tomboys" Newsweek interview, "Yes, Chloe was a Tomboy growing up."- "sunscreen for towheads" A must, must! Carry sunscreen around and apply like it is chapstick.- "slang word for jehovah witness" It is Jay Vee, or as I like to say J to the V. What did they witness? OJ? Just curious
- "stress induced shingles" Had them twice this year, and yes they are stress induced and they lead to drinking.
-"breastfeeding clogged duct reabsorb into body" If any of you remember this post I did, I am sure this innocent mother got a little more than she bargained for. Oh, but I will let you know that is worked....pain free!
2. That's slow: The average drop of Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle travelling at 25 milers per year.
3. Male moths can smell female moths from as far as seven miles away.
4. Heavy thought: Your skin accounts for 16% of your body weight.
5. The average American kid aged 5-17 had three cavities, down from 11 during the 1940's.Crowd control: Purse-snatching is punishable by death in Haiti.
6. Forest Fact: A beaver can chop down as many as 216 trees per year.
7. Fleas jump 130 times their own height- the equivalent of a human jumping a 65-story building.
8. Pigs and humans are the only animals that get sunburned.
9. Trap 40 fireflies in a jar and they'll generate enough light for you to read by.
10. The bald eagle's nest can weigh as much as a ton.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The fearless adventures with Captain Joesph Leather-Face: Blimey! Just when you think I had learned my lesson.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Don't any of you even think about it...she in my new friend. Mine all mine. Mine, mine, mine! I am going to call her and see if I can send her a ladybug beer mug or a ladybug flask. I can't have any of you tying up her phone line.....when I am having my mentor sessions.
Just a few of my favorite Galdys' quotes and words of wisdom:
1. I love Jesus, but I drink a little. (This may have to be my new slogan)
2. I'm sure that means something.
3. I like to stay local.
4. I don't drink a lot, only enough to thin the blood.
5. I'm a mall walker.
6. These people will stop ya for having just a little Listerine.
7. Just don't call me late for dinner.
I know some of you are dying to know if you can help contribute to Gladys
Friday, August 22, 2008
2. Red is rarely used on ice cream packages because it reminds people of heat.
3. IRS workers suffer fewer assaults on the job than workers in any other government agency.
4. The Polish government rewards informants with flowers and chocolates.
5. Slow Learner: President Woodrow Wilson couldn't read until he was 11 years old.
6. John Quincy Adams once said, "There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide."
7. Q. Who designed Italy's national flag? A. Napoleon.
8. Q. What's the only animal on Earth with only on ear? A. The praying mantis.
9. The Swiss spend more money per capita on insurance than any other nation.
10. 21,203 Japanese citizens were arrested for "the illegal sale or abuse of paint thinner" in 1993.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Riding bikes at the Park:
Ok, this is getting to long...I gotta go!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Who is Lisa Davis? Not her real name I am sure, she hides and gives you empty promises behind a fake name. That way stranded subscribes don't come hunt her down, and find her drinking Maitais by a pool somewhere. So better than tell who she is, let me just show you. Here is my attempt at speaking with Ms. Davis:
Yes, a very nice sounding advisor at the OnStar center. This is when I had no choice, but to choose option 3 on my last adventure. So yep, as my luck would have it, OnStar had a Analog-to-Digital Transition. So OnStar service in vehicles older than 2008, do not work after December 31, 2007. If you have a car older than 2008, you have to take it in and have it upgraded. Do to my luck, I think it may be in my best interest, and yours too if you suffer from BDS............to get upgraded.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
So if you sooooo graciously would...leave me a comment with the title of your favorite blog(s) of mine. I will be listening to your feedback in deciding which ones to select.
Come on, I mean does Gail ever say no to Oprah??? So help a sista out.........
Thursday, August 14, 2008
You get a chance to find out, "What Would Jamie Do?" or say, or think for that matter. You all are welcome to email me, email@example.com, with any question you would like. I will then in turn, on a sporadic basis, have a WWJamieD post where I answer your questions.
They can be vague questions such as what is your favorite color of highlights? or "Why are you to lazy to proof read your posts and actually use spell check?"
Or you can ask much deeper questions like "Why does water look blue in pools, oceans, lakes, but clear in your glass? Or "What should I tell my boss/child when they run around the office/house naked and refuse to put clothes on?"
Or more honestly, maybe I got bored with my own story on my flat tire..that I am moving on. Unless anyone personally requests that I please finish my "How to change a flat tire" lesson. I will do that for you, for safety reasons of course! Otherwise I will have to end the latest "Jamie Episodes" installment with my new OnStar friend Lisa Davis. So feel free to ask away...or maybe you are to scared and Jack Nicholson's was right, "You can't handle the truth!".
PS- No, I can not actually tell you how to kill your husband. That is illegal under under United States Criminal Law code: 18 U.S.C. § 2, aiding and abetting . It would make me an accessory to murder even though I did not actually participate in the commission of the crime. Sorry ladies.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
So I make it to Mt. Idaho, up the grade, and through the lovely town of Grangeville. I am about a 6 miles out of town, when I hear Boom! I immediately know my front driver side tire blew out. I quickly slowed down and pulled over to the side of the road. Open up the door, and sure enough, I have a nice present waiting for me. I backed up, and pulled off the highway so I could change the tire. I was very lucky to not have got in a serious accident seeing how I was traveling at 70 MPH! Geez, where is Captain Joesph Leather Face when you need him? He ended up staying home this day to sleep off a hangover. I could have sure used his blimey help.
So, I didn't panic. I have changed a flat tire or two. Mostly for other people. When I actually had a "paying" job in Fisheries, I used to travel many back roads out in the middle of no where....I usually happened upon someone in need of help. If I couldn't help them, at least I could radio them help. The last tire I had to change was not my own. I came across a young women on the side of the road with a flat tire, on her cell phone and crying. Well when you are driving a government vehicle with a radio, it is quite impolite to just drive by waving. She looked pretty scared and had a infant in her car. So me and another girl I worked with told her not to worry, we would get her up and running. She had no idea if she had a spare, and if she did, where it would be. We then had to show her that there was a place where they keep your tire...in the trunk...under the carpet. After having her pull out all the piles of shopping bags, which were covering up access to the spare. She was like, wow! I have a spare tire there? I am sure she will never forget, and now knows how to change a flat now. Good lesson learned.
All fathers, if they have a daughter...should teach them how to change a flat. Changing a tire is actually really simple, and you only need two pieces of equipment. Also, if you are reading this and don't know where your spare is...go locate it. So you know, in case your luck turns out to be similar to mine. I have now found that the new challenge these days is not changing the flat tire, but now just trying to get your spare tire out! I knew I would be fighting daylight, and didn't have a flashlight. So I needed to get to work!
Well, let me just give you a step by step on how to change a tire in case you don't know how. Welcome to a course by Jamie. Please grab a pen and paper. Feel free to take notes on, "How to change a flat tire Jamie style":
Step 1: Pull over and turn the engine off, place vehicle in park. Make sure you are in a level area, and apply the parking break. Step out of the vehicle to access the damage. It is Ok to say every four letter word you know in your head, for no one will hear you out in the middle of no where, and it may also help ease your stress level so you can properly get ready for the task at hand. Oh, and do all this as quietly as possible in order to not wake the sleeping children. This could result in making this a worse situation than it already is.
Accessing the damage:After many failed attempts of trying a different lug wrench. It wasn't gonna work. So we had to pile into daddy's truck, switch out car seats, and drive home with out the suburban. Many minivans slept a little more soundly knowing I was off the highways and streets.
I will have to finish this lesson later...........