You gotta love Google

Google, Google, Google. Heck it is even fun to say. So you folks think I have issue and problems. Apparently there are people out there worse off than me..sick..sick..individuals. So for a hoot and a holler, I love looking at what people googled to end up at my blog. You find some REAL interesting Google searches. Some make you realize there is no hope for the human race or for Andy Dick for that matter.

So I thought I would share some of these "Googles" with ya. You can click on the Google search to find out what post of mine it brought them to.

First off that Todd Whitehurst and his little swimmers are busy little guys. They are working harder than John Edwards publicist is at covering up his love child. So here are a few of the searches I get on him:
- "todd whitehurst" sperm"
- "Todd Whitehurst+Oprah"
- "TODD WHITEHURST"

Some other sorry suckers are also out there desperately trying to solve riddles. By the looks of this Google search on this riddle...I let you guys off easy:
- "Riddle + I AM ONE WITH EIGHT TO SPARE, JUST IN CASE I LOOSE MY ONE. I AM NOT A NUMBER." My Muffin Top? Oh, a starfish?

There are several people out there apparently suffering from a addiction to "huffing", in my day we just huffed gas (I know this explains a lot huh?)...but these kids now days have taken huffing to a whole new level. Parents, lock your medicine cabinets...no solvents are safe now:

-"how to get finger nail polish off of card table" Apparently Miss Chloe has been making rounds.- "nail polish for the end of august" Wow, how trendy of you. I would tell them fall colors? Auburn? Burnt Amber?- "drinking nail polish remover to get high" Hmmmm, can we say rehab? Liquor store closed?
- "fingernail polish brain cells" This person seems to be into preventive care. But it may be to late I am afraid.
- "will drinking nail polish get you high" Is this a true or flase question? I am sorry, I flunked out of a 12 step program.
- "can you get high off of nail polish remover?" This person needs to have a intervention. That or get a Chemistry degree.

So now after reading these googles, I am curious if nail polish remover can get you high? I would just like to interrupt this scheduled blog to announce:

I, J to the M to the E in no way encourage or support the use of fingernail polish remover by a means of getting high. I only encourage and support the use of legal means of getting high by way of little brown jug, prescribed medications, or aluminium cans. If you have found your way to my blog in hopes of scoring a medical release for huffing polish remover, please seek medical attention or counseling at this moment. Thank you for your time.

Oh, speaking of little brown jug. I had this google:

- "yes its true little brown jug don't love you" I don't know what they did to piss off the little brown jug, but I fear in a true state of desperation, this individual may be one of the people that googled "drinking nail polish remover to get high" Just a theory on my part. I have no proof.
I also get a lot of googles on minivans and suburbans. It seem many of you out there are facing difficult questions like:

- "why the suburban over minivan?" Because you can run a minivan over when they are going to slow!
- "suburban vs minivan?" It depends, are you a passive or aggressive driver? Do you have a dream catcher hanging from your rear view mirror? Or a Dwight bobble head on your dashboard?
- "sell me your minivan" Sorry, wrong blog..try this one: Paper is my Drug and my Therapy
- "navy seal suburban truck" This person is preparing for a "Red Dawn" or lives in northern Idaho.
- "what websites have games that allow me to drive a minivan" Ummm, not this one. Didn't you read the title? We eat them for breakfast.

Some other random Googles I get:

- "ok week" Thanks for asking, my has been so, so?
- "big o tires or les swab" Can't you get big O tires AT Les Swab YO?
- "CEO's as tomboys" Newsweek interview, "Yes, Chloe was a Tomboy growing up."- "sunscreen for towheads" A must, must! Carry sunscreen around and apply like it is chapstick.- "slang word for jehovah witness" It is Jay Vee, or as I like to say J to the V. What did they witness? OJ? Just curious
- "stress induced shingles" Had them twice this year, and yes they are stress induced and they lead to drinking.
-"breastfeeding clogged duct reabsorb into body" If any of you remember this post I did, I am sure this innocent mother got a little more than she bargained for. Oh, but I will let you know that is worked....pain free!

Friday Facts

1. 48% of Americans say they'd donate the organs of deceased relatives without their permission.
2. That's slow: The average drop of Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle travelling at 25 milers per year.
3. Male moths can smell female moths from as far as seven miles away.
4. Heavy thought: Your skin accounts for 16% of your body weight.
5. The average American kid aged 5-17 had three cavities, down from 11 during the 1940's.Crowd control: Purse-snatching is punishable by death in Haiti.
6. Forest Fact: A beaver can chop down as many as 216 trees per year.
7. Fleas jump 130 times their own height- the equivalent of a human jumping a 65-story building.
8. Pigs and humans are the only animals that get sunburned.
9. Trap 40 fireflies in a jar and they'll generate enough light for you to read by.
10. The bald eagle's nest can weigh as much as a ton.

The fearless adventures with Captain Joesph Leather-Face: Blimey! Just when you think I had learned my lesson.

Nope, I didn't. Plus what would be the fun in that? I don't need a weapon..I am one. I got inner Chuck Norris skills, and quick reflexes. So off I was on another adventure last week. High Ho, High Ho! There were a few precautions taken this time, in hopes of trying to prevent any "incidents." This time I was off to the Clearwater National Forest for a day at the beach. I packed up Captain Joesph Leather-Face, the kids, and my sister, friend, and crew were also on the road. So now when I was traveling to "no cell coverage" land..I would have reinforcements. I wasn't going to be showing up to this Barbecue wearing snow boots again..if you catch my drift.

First precaution taken? I called my hubby to warn let him know I was leaving town again. I wanted to tell him to call, and up my life insurance policy. You know, just in case I come down with a severe case of BDS. My hubby was begging me on the phone to please check my oil before I left town. Knowing my track record, I thought I should. I could see myself blowing up my engine up along the way. So I told Capt. JL he needed to start earning his Rum, and put him to the task:

CJL: "Blaggard, I thought the dip stick was the one behind the wheel?"

ME: "I heard that, one days ration taken!"

Well this is where I would say..."you will never believe this, but.." However I know you would believe this. Sure enough, after checking my oil at the grocery store parking lot with a old recipt that I found in the car....I was on E for Empty!! Yep, I would have been cussing out Lisa Davis again! I bought some oil, filled her up, and off we go!

Note to self: Not a good idea to teach your daughter the day before 3+ hour road trip to say Ellen DeGeneres's catch phrase, "Ka-Ka-KAW!" We were jet boating the day before, and every time I would jump into the water, the cold would shock me and I would yell, Ka-Ka-KAW as a joke. Daughter loved it and started saying it. I thought that she forgot about that until about mile marker 32.............

I think Capt. JL got to the person in charge of putting up the US forest service sigh before we could warn them that he never meets trouble half-way:

We took in some sights. Capt. JL. a top the crows nest a the falls looking for dry land:

"Aye, beach off the port bow!"

Awwwwww, our beautiful beach that should be on a calender:Before we could throw anchor, Capt. JL. had to check the area for scallywags and landlubbers.He suffers from PTPD, Post Traumatic Pirate Disorder. He always is paranoid some old sea dog is gonna attack him and make him shark bait. I think it was good for him to get some sand on the old dogs again!

Safety first around here, so he made sure we put enough sunscreen on. They don't call him Leather-Face for noth'in. He has learned the hard way what to much sun over-exposure to UV radiation can do to one's skin. Now he is a leading spokes-pirate on the issue...and pushes sunscreen on us like Richard Simmons "Deal-A-Meal" cards. We had a great day. It was beautiful out. The kids all had a blast. Then off to meet the Grandparents for dinner, and to take another stab at trying to finally get my milkshake. I DID!! Boo-ya! Then we went back to visit with the grandparents, and Capt. JL. was hanging with this "Gnomies."While I hooked my gramps up on Skype, CJL tried slinging a few one liners at one female gnome:

"Women Want Me, Fish Fear Me."

"Baby did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!"

"Did you have Campbell's soup today? Because you're lookin' mmm... mmm... good!"

"Does my breath smell okay?"

I never said he was smooth, just 9 cents short of a dime. I called home and was informed of the major storm in town. Hubby begged me to stay the night and not drive, but I decided to just drive through the eye of the storm anyways. It was quite the adventure. Lightning was striking everywhere and lighting up the sky the whole way home. Tree branches blowing everywhere, rocks on the roads, police with flares.......but I made it home with no incidents!! Chuck Norris would be proud.

Words of Wisdom from my friend Gladys Hardy

I have a favorite granny, mentor, idol, phone buddy...etc. Galdys is a women after my own heart. "She is hilarious, opinionated, unpredictable, but never mean spirited." I am pretty sure Gladys in some way is related to me in some great-step-distant-granny kind of way. I do love my grandparents, but Gladys is giving them a run for their retirement money. Gladys is the type of granny that if you cut in front of her in the liquor store line, she would probably read you your rights and give you a nice kick in your shins...all with a smile on her face. I only hope I can be as witty as her when I am 88!

As we all know there are two different groups of people who can't be censored, children and the elderly. I am not quite sure which group I personally fall under...but I also seem to lack the censor button. Maybe that is why I love Gladys so much. The only problem is, she has a excuse...she's elderly. What's my excuse ? Oh yeah, the devil juice. Here is a video clip of Gladys in action:

Don't any of you even think about it...she in my new friend. Mine all mine. Mine, mine, mine! I am going to call her and see if I can send her a ladybug beer mug or a ladybug flask. I can't have any of you tying up her phone line.....when I am having my mentor sessions.

Just a few of my favorite Galdys' quotes and words of wisdom:

1. I love Jesus, but I drink a little. (This may have to be my new slogan)
2. I'm sure that means something.
3. I like to stay local.
4. I don't drink a lot, only enough to thin the blood.
5. I'm a mall walker.
6. These people will stop ya for having just a little Listerine.
7. Just don't call me late for dinner.

I know some of you are dying to know if you can help contribute to Gladys whiskey retirement fund (Social Security and Medicare don't cut the fruitcake these days) the answer is YES! So if any of you want to help fill up Gladys flask with some more Wild Turkey...go shopping. Click on each image to buy the product. Or if any of you are trying to think of a birthday gift for my 30th coming up...I mean I am just saying.

Friday Facts

1. Read my lips: 13% of women reapply their lipstick more than eight times a day.
2. Red is rarely used on ice cream packages because it reminds people of heat.
3. IRS workers suffer fewer assaults on the job than workers in any other government agency.
4. The Polish government rewards informants with flowers and chocolates.
5. Slow Learner: President Woodrow Wilson couldn't read until he was 11 years old.
6. John Quincy Adams once said, "There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide."
7. Q. Who designed Italy's national flag? A. Napoleon.
8. Q. What's the only animal on Earth with only on ear? A. The praying mantis.
9. The Swiss spend more money per capita on insurance than any other nation.
10. 21,203 Japanese citizens were arrested for "the illegal sale or abuse of paint thinner" in 1993.

The Circle of Trust. Where do you stand?

Yeah, that's right. I'm calling you all out. Out from behind your secretive computer rooms. You see, if I can't depend on your feedback, then I can't trust you. If I can't trust you, then you have to sit outside of my circle of trust. Wait, what did I do?? Please take me back? Nope, I am done ...finished with all you. All I asked was for you to take part in a simple voting, democratic process. You do know how hard our fellow women fought to gain this very right, right? Then there all you go just turning up your nose at the poll.

Well, I take that back. 11 of your did participate and vote on whether or not I should bring back Friday Facts. The answer was yes by 81%. That is not a clear, good, statistical poll...with 11 votes. How can any politician even take those stats serious. It is truly laughable. I couldn't defend these results in court even if I tried. I mean, I KNOW there are more of you out there??? I guess I have a bunch of delinquent's reading this that don't follow directions easily. Or feel that the rules don't apply to them? You know they have medication to fix those problems. Yeah, they do I swear. From what I hear Doctors pass them out these days like candy.

I was going to go with P Diddy's slogan campaign he ran in the 2004 elections, "Vote or Die" But I was nice....thought that was to harsh. Plus I didn't want any of you to die. Good thing, because with those numbers, many of you would be pushing up Daisy's. So I stated it nicely in a form of a question, "Bring back Friday Facts?" Apparently you don't respond to niceness. You need tough discipline and punishment. You need long lectures and rants like this one to straighten up your attitude.

I have yet to decide your punishment for this latest offense. I am sure I will come up with something. Then the question begs, "Should I not bring back Friday Facts in protest?" Then that would be unfair to those of you who cast your vote. So they will be back. However, many of you are officially on probation. Don't make me use my "private blog" powers and kick you out of my circle of trust for good. You will have to earn my trust back..slowly. I will then have to throw hidden tests your way to see if you have improved on your participation skills. I have hired a dear friend of mine, Dwight K. Schrute, to help me with carrying out these tests. Only the strong shall survive. Then, and only then will you be allowed back into my circle of trust. Bribes will be taken.

You must know it pains me just as much as you...but I had no choice but to enforce "tough love" I feel this may help our relationship grow stronger....

Last weekend it got so hot here that LIndsey Lohan checked herself into a Jamba Juice

Yes, it was hot, hot, hot! We broke some records in this town of mine. The day we were supposed to be floating down the river was gonna be 110 degrees! My friend renamed our trip from "Rockin on the River" to "Roasting on the River." I told him I was gonna smear B-Q sauce all over myself in case I got hungry along the way. Some how I managed to survive the sun trying to turn me into a raisin during this heat spell.

I thought I would just give you all a quick update of some of the things we have been doing the last few weeks. Actually, it is not a quick post. I lied. What are you gonna do? Take my birthday away? I will show you a few things we have been doing through pictures and some video. Well, what we have been doing as a family....I will have to fill you in on what I have been up to in another post. More shenanigans from J to the M to the E as you can only imagine.

The Camp Out:

Hubby decided to have a camp out with the kids in the backyard while mommy went out to dinner with friends. Fair trade right? Any who, he set up the tent, got all their beds ready. Hooked up a DVD player for movies later in the night. They each got to pick out a movie, Cormac Jungle Book, Chloe Little Mermaid. He got the fire pit going for roasting smores. It was a good idea to getting them all messy, hyper and sticky for dad, for the night. Chloe got marshmallows in her hair. Both had chocolate smeared grins. Here are some highlights:

Cormac was so excited to have his own headlamp that night, and kept checking everything out with it. My future explorer: It was a good daddy night with the kids. We of course have been swimming and boating with family. We went out jet boating last Sunday, and had a interesting evening I will just say. We also got to see a boat catch on fire and the two young gentleman be evacuated. There was no hope for that boat. All you could do was watch the flames. All I could think of was what was on the young men's minds, "Dude..dad is gonna be sooo pissed." "Oh wait dude, did you get the beer out?"

Riding bikes at the Park:

We took Cormac's bike, Chloe's tricycle, and Sir Paul out for some riding. 3/4's of the family caught riding dirty: Chloe riding dirty. Caught with possession of a controlled substance. A pocket full of goldfish crackers: She soon said,"I'm out." She went to the park to play with dad, while brother and I kept riding dirty. She met a frog, and gave him a kiss: and he turned into a prince:Here is a video of how much fun she had riding on a little piggy. She rocked out:

Cormac LOVES riding his bike. He likes to try and get away with riding it in the house. Cormac and I went on a nice ride together. They make beach cruiser's for kids, I can't wait till he gets a little older. We then will "cruise" together.

Then he found the little piggy too:

We have been having good days at the park. We had dinner the other night at the park, and I brought Cormac's Hummer for fun. It was sooooo funny watching him cruise around with Chloe. They looked like a couple going for a Sunday drive together.

We had fun watching Cormac problem solve. If he got stuck, he would get out and either look at the "engine" with a perplexed look on his face, or push it till he got it unstuck.

We just sat around and laughed:

The Circus Night: Boy, this circus nearly robs you blind...it was one robbery after another. They wanted everything you had..just shy of your first born child. (Whom they would take and raise and train them up to be in the circus act) After you pay to get in , I think it was 8 per child and 16 per adult...they find more ways to stick it to ya. You go to the petting zoo...they are selling cups of grain to feed to them: Whoooo, someone needs to see a orthodontist:Then there were rides you could pay to go on: Camel rides, elephant rides, pony rides...more, and more Benjamin's. Of course, I just felt sorry for the animals and didn't want any part in it.If people only knew the highly evolved emotional, physiological and social behavior of elephants. They operate much like humans, and never forget their families and herds they travel in. It would be like if someone came into your home and kidnapped your child and took them away to be a slave. They all suffer the same emotional issue as we would. Also a elephants NEVER forgets anything. If you ever harm them or treat them wrong...20 year later they will remember...so watch out. They can loose it like a human does under a great deal of stress. So it makes me very sad to watch sometimes. Ok, ok I know, enough on the Mammology lecture.

Back to the highway robbery at the circus. So then you go into the sweat hut circus tent. They purposely raise your body temp to 99 degrees so you will then spend your money on over priced snow cones and tap water bottled water. So when you get in the tent, there are different colored bleachers, and white chairs in the front. You then find out your ticket you just bought only allowed you to sit in the "blue" bleachers. If you want better seats, you guessed it, you have to pay more money. Not to mention everyone who works there is not from this country and speaks Spanish. You can't understand half of what they are trying to tell you. "Excuse me, but what is Spanish for rob you blind?" Oh, ok thanks. Here is my money. So we paid to upgrade our seating.

Then they of course they walked around selling you toys that glow, "Get your glowing toys for the price of 1 baby with birth certificate!" So I get the kids each a toy. They were very cool. I will admit, I wanted the glowing sword and magic wand for myself. There goes another $20 bucks. Then the wand stopped working the next day. I even tried changing the batteries. Nope, my luck. They also tried to rob you for coloring books, and during intermission.

However it was great show. They had three rings going at once. I did find it hard to decide which person to watch..stressing me out! Cormac just wanted to watch the guy drive the motorcycle on the high wire. They had contortionist's, flying trapeze, clowns, dog tricks, etc..... Here are some of the highlights:

Ok, this is getting to long...I gotta go!

Lisa Davis can kiss my Muffin Top!

None of you are familiar with Lisa Davis? Well, that my dear blogger's is, as Martha would say,"A Good Thing." Trust me. For if you were on a first name basis with this women.....you would be suffering from a case of "Blogger Drama Syndrome", on my behalf. It is also known as BDS, and can be a very serious condition and turn into a bad situation. It is a aliment that happens when you start reading someones blog, just a very innocent pass time at first, then before you know it you start taking on similar drama. Out of mere sympathy of your part of course. You know, like sympathy pains? That is why I have been very up front and posted several warnings, disclaimers, NC-17 ratings, and Slogans such as "Jamie. Not for Everyone." on this Blog. So if any of you have suffered BDS pains for me, let me take this moment to sincerely thank you, and apologise at the same time. Ohh, and give you a heads up that you may want to find a life coach or couch to sit on, and make appointment. Also, please sign up for AAA as soon as possible. It also may not hurt to apply for a concealed weapons permit, and draft up a will. You know, just a few precautions to consider.

Who is Lisa Davis? Not her real name I am sure, she hides and gives you empty promises behind a fake name. That way stranded subscribes don't come hunt her down, and find her drinking Maitais by a pool somewhere. So better than tell who she is, let me just show you. Here is my attempt at speaking with Ms. Davis:

Yes, a very nice sounding advisor at the OnStar center. This is when I had no choice, but to choose option 3 on my last adventure. So yep, as my luck would have it, OnStar had a Analog-to-Digital Transition. So OnStar service in vehicles older than 2008, do not work after December 31, 2007. If you have a car older than 2008, you have to take it in and have it upgraded. Do to my luck, I think it may be in my best interest, and yours too if you suffer from BDS............to get upgraded.

They like me! They REALLY like me!

Can you believe it?? I have been selected to be on a blog website for humor. I have been doing my homework that they so graciously asked of me to set up my profile. All except one that is. They have requested me to send them the top five funniest post of mine. I thought it would be fun to let you guys in on it, and you could cast your votes.

So if you sooooo graciously would...leave me a comment with the title of your favorite blog(s) of mine. I will be listening to your feedback in deciding which ones to select.

Come on, I mean does Gail ever say no to Oprah??? So help a sista out.........

I am starting a new series called: WWJamieD?

Yes that is right, a very scary thought. Maybe some of you just spit out your morning coffee all over your computer scren at the mere thought. However, you will get a chance to go where no sane person dares venture without being highly medicated. I doubt even Ned Flanders could wrap his brain around some Jamie-isms.

You get a chance to find out, "What Would Jamie Do?" or say, or think for that matter. You all are welcome to email me, saxtonjamie@hotmail.com, with any question you would like. I will then in turn, on a sporadic basis, have a WWJamieD post where I answer your questions.

They can be vague questions such as what is your favorite color of highlights? or "Why are you to lazy to proof read your posts and actually use spell check?"

Or you can ask much deeper questions like "Why does water look blue in pools, oceans, lakes, but clear in your glass? Or "What should I tell my boss/child when they run around the office/house naked and refuse to put clothes on?"

Or more honestly, maybe I got bored with my own story on my flat tire..that I am moving on. Unless anyone personally requests that I please finish my "How to change a flat tire" lesson. I will do that for you, for safety reasons of course! Otherwise I will have to end the latest "Jamie Episodes" installment with my new OnStar friend Lisa Davis. So feel free to ask away...or maybe you are to scared and Jack Nicholson's was right, "You can't handle the truth!".

PS- No, I can not actually tell you how to kill your husband. That is illegal under under United States Criminal Law code: 18 U.S.C. § 2, aiding and abetting . It would make me an accessory to murder even though I did not actually participate in the commission of the crime. Sorry ladies.

Jamie's Episode 8: Part 3: Let's Blow this joint, cough, have a blowout.

Yep, time to bounce. After dinner my son, who skipped his nap to look out the window and count road kill, decided to start having meltdowns over every little thing. A clue to any mom that you need to bounce before CPS can be called. It was a bad time to leave, at dusk. So I would have to watch for deer, but I wasn't going to get home till 10ish...well that was the plan. Fate would have another plan in store for Jamie.

So I make it to Mt. Idaho, up the grade, and through the lovely town of Grangeville. I am about a 6 miles out of town, when I hear Boom! I immediately know my front driver side tire blew out. I quickly slowed down and pulled over to the side of the road. Open up the door, and sure enough, I have a nice present waiting for me. I backed up, and pulled off the highway so I could change the tire. I was very lucky to not have got in a serious accident seeing how I was traveling at 70 MPH! Geez, where is Captain Joesph Leather Face when you need him? He ended up staying home this day to sleep off a hangover. I could have sure used his blimey help.


So, I didn't panic. I have changed a flat tire or two. Mostly for other people. When I actually had a "paying" job in Fisheries, I used to travel many back roads out in the middle of no where....I usually happened upon someone in need of help. If I couldn't help them, at least I could radio them help. The last tire I had to change was not my own. I came across a young women on the side of the road with a flat tire, on her cell phone and crying. Well when you are driving a government vehicle with a radio, it is quite impolite to just drive by waving. She looked pretty scared and had a infant in her car. So me and another girl I worked with told her not to worry, we would get her up and running. She had no idea if she had a spare, and if she did, where it would be. We then had to show her that there was a place where they keep your tire...in the trunk...under the carpet. After having her pull out all the piles of shopping bags, which were covering up access to the spare. She was like, wow! I have a spare tire there? I am sure she will never forget, and now knows how to change a flat now. Good lesson learned.


All fathers, if they have a daughter...should teach them how to change a flat. Changing a tire is actually really simple, and you only need two pieces of equipment. Also, if you are reading this and don't know where your spare is...go locate it. So you know, in case your luck turns out to be similar to mine. I have now found that the new challenge these days is not changing the flat tire, but now just trying to get your spare tire out! I knew I would be fighting daylight, and didn't have a flashlight. So I needed to get to work!


Well, let me just give you a step by step on how to change a tire in case you don't know how. Welcome to a course by Jamie. Please grab a pen and paper. Feel free to take notes on, "How to change a flat tire Jamie style":

Step 1: Pull over and turn the engine off, place vehicle in park. Make sure you are in a level area, and apply the parking break. Step out of the vehicle to access the damage. It is Ok to say every four letter word you know in your head, for no one will hear you out in the middle of no where, and it may also help ease your stress level so you can properly get ready for the task at hand. Oh, and do all this as quietly as possible in order to not wake the sleeping children. This could result in making this a worse situation than it already is.

Check:

Yep, it's flat as Pair Hilton's chest.

Step 2: Turn on Hazards and place a hard object behind the tire that is opposite and diagonal to the flat tire. Check:

Step 3: Locate your spare tire. In my case, under my under carriage on the rear axle. Your may be on the back of your rear window or under your trunk.

Step 4: Figure out where your jack and lug nut wrench are conveniently stored in your vehicle. Helps if you actually know this information before you have a tire blow out. In my case (pay attention Andrea) in the rear side panel of the suburban. On one of the cubby holes in reads, "Lift for jack/tools" So lift, and you will find your lug nut wrench and jack conveniently bolted down in your side panel. After your reach in and figure out how to unbolt them, in my case, you then decide to drop your cell phone down into the panel..loosing all contact with the out side world. At which point you mumble something nice under your breath, and try to stick your lovely man-hands in to retrieve this import live saving device.

As I open up my tools for getting the spare out, I realized they left my gloves in there. Awww, how nice. Well, that is if I actually cared about having nicely manicured nails:

Step 5: Realize that in obtaining your precious equipment you woke up the first sleeping child: Step 6: Assemble the rod in order to lower down your spare tire. Note: To save yourself several minutes of confusion, only put the first two pieces together to lower spare. Only attach third piece of rod to wind up the jack.

Step 7: You may be wondering where to stick this rod? Well, you take your ignition key, and stick it in a lock by your license plate:Remove lock:Now you have a place for insertion. Insert rod and crank counter clockwise to lower spare. Clockwise to raise spare:Step 8: Realize your inquisitive son who like to fix things is awake now, and wants in on this action: "Where's the lug wrench, mommy?"Step 9: Remove the hubcap, if necessary. Not so in my case. Loosen the lug nuts, which hold the wheel in place, before jacking up the car. Errrrrrch! This is when life got a little more fun.

Well, lets just say my lug wrench is designed with stock tires and rims in mind. I however, in effort to be "riding dirty" or "Low profiling and styling" bought different rims and tires. My lugs on my rims were to shallow for the lug wrench. Note to self: If you buy special rims, make sure you have a lug wrench in your vehicle to fit the lugs. So what to do now, since it was not officially dark. Here are my options:

1. I use Les Swab, and there is one in Grangeville, but it was 9pm. Closed.

2. I have towing on my insurance, but due to the fact my hubby left my children in our tent while camping..they found my purse. Went through it and took everything out. So I couldn't find my insurance card with the number to call. So needless to say, that option was no good.

3. I have On Star. So I pushed the glowing button. That will be another blog.

4. Call my husband.

I had no choice but to choose option 4. I knew he would be getting ready for bed, and didn't want to trouble him. But as he knows by now, when you are married to me...you must be prepared at all hours of the day for any, and all types of scenarios. Kinda like being a Navy Seal. So what do you do when you have to wait in the dark for a hour and a half for your night in shining armor? You have a stumbler party in the suburban!!! Give the kids sugar and let them climb all over the place:Rock out to music:Let kids ride bikes in the dark:Pick on your sister.We also made several entertaining videos. When hubby arrived he tried to get the lugs off. We realized we needed a 13/16ths. Luckily my hubby had that size, but the socket set didn't come with a wrench!!!!! After tireless trying to make it work as Tim Gunn would say...he got three out of the 6 off. Cormac was daddy's little helper. Sitting on the spare tire:

Accessing the damage:After many failed attempts of trying a different lug wrench. It wasn't gonna work. So we had to pile into daddy's truck, switch out car seats, and drive home with out the suburban. Many minivans slept a little more soundly knowing I was off the highways and streets.


I will have to finish this lesson later...........