Ok, now where was I? Yes, while your children can not press charges on you for grand candy theft (I did the research), this still is a major crime. A crime of candy passion. You could end up on the streets hussing around, looking for your next bump of low grade Pixy Sticks or cheap gumdrops. No denial my friends, fess up to your crimes. This sugar addiction can be very dangerous to your waistline, and you just can't quite cold turkey. You need to come down slowly. I speak from experience ..trust me.
You need my help. I don't want to catch you down at the local
My love for sweets started out when I was a young child: Growing up I had the Devil and Angel on my shoulders. The devil always was whispering in my ear to eat the sweets. These conversations when something like this:
Me: "Mmmm, that candy sure does look sweet. I should have some. That bowl of Fruit Loops didn't fill me up"
Capt. Devil: "Yeah, lets have some. I love me some Saltwater taffy. It reminds me of the good ol' days at sea. Ohh, and Bit-O-Honey..arghhh."
Angel Dwight: "No, don't listen to him. Aren't you familiar with the adverse behavioral effects of sugar on children?"
Me: "No. Behavioral what? I am only in kindergarten, I don't understand all that stuff."
Capt. Devil: "Oh, Blimey! Ye' be always trying to ruin ar' fun. Don't listen to his barrel of rum."
Angel Dwight: "Well actually studies have shown that when children eat candy on a empty stomach, their bodies release large amounts of the hormone adrenaline, which causes symptoms like shakiness, anxiety, excitement and concentration problems."
Me: "Ohhh, that doesn't sound like fun. I do need my concentration in kindergarten. I have to grow up to lead the world. Maybe I shou.."
Capt. Devil: "AVAST! That is just a bunch barnacle bull. We can eat all the loot we want. I have only lost 12 teeth and it hasn't ruined my career."
Angel Dwight: "What career? Oh, sleeping off a hangover every morning is a career? Are you gonna listen to this Hornswaggle, or the facts. They compare this process similar to what happens to drug addicts who are coming down from drugs."
Me: "Well, you do raise a good point, but I really love Nerds and the Lick-a-Maid sticks....I mean I am sure my mom will just lay me down for my afternoon nap...and no harm will be done."
Capt. Devil: "Aye! That be' me' lass. Lets go eat some of our booty we pilfered on Halloween for that one special kid up the street!"
Angel Dwight: "Don't even get me started on on the research about childhood obesity rates..."
Me: "Capt., you get any snickers bars or butterfingers from that kid?"
See. I was doomed from early age. Don't worry though, help is on the way. I have a support group available to help you. I will tell you more on that later..I gotta go. Wanna get to my kids candy stash before they get up and take all the good chocolate.....
To be continued......
I am the Hussy Housewife, and I approve this message.
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