Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Facebook killed the blog stars...

Well she almost did...(I say she, I mean only a jealous women would want to know what you are doing all day..who your friends are..and what type of things you "like" so she can use it against you in the future)

ANYWAY..I haven't blogged on my humor blog in over a year. Such a disservice to my mentally unstable readers. I imagine if there were such a thing in the blog world...as "blog police"..I would have surely received a citation by now...possibly even jail time. 2 hots and a cot. Crowbar motel.

You see, at one time, life here on this blog was kinda like this:And then a great big social network system came into my life, and I was out of service here for a while..(well..1 year and 3 months, but who is keeping track?) Besides, that was the old me. Like the irresponsible pre-jailed Lindsay Lohan. I am a new person..Your honor..judge..I swear.

After I left..life here became kinda like this:

I am gonna make it right. I promise..(just as soon as I quickly open another browser window and just update my Facebook status REAL quick....just one more hit..just one more for old times sake...)

You know, I am not positively sure, but I am PRETTY sure Facebook is more highly addictive than crack...or even Meth. You know that "Not Even Once" Meth campaign? Yeah..that should apply to facebook. It is THAT addictive. I am gonna lead a research team on this hypothesis of mine....(umm..right after I check my Facebook one ...more..time)

I have received several angry emails from you readers. I do plan to resume writing. The voices in my head are getting stir crazy. My inner Hussy Housewife needs released again.

If any of you reading this have a blog..drop me the link in the comments and I will add you to my blog roll. I wanna get back into reading my friends and families blogs and commenting!
The Hussy Housewife

Friday, January 15, 2010

Friday Facts

1. If you're a healthy, full-grown adult, your thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
2. The U.S. government spent $277,000 on "pickle research" in 1993.
3. Thomas Edison invented wax paper.
4. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
5. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
6. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
7. Rule of thumb: Nearly all boys grow at least as tall as their mothers.
8. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but no downstairs.
9. Charles Dickens always slept facing north. He thought is improves his writing.
10. Men get hiccups more often than women do. No one knows why.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thanksgiving is the 'new' middle child

Folks...we have a injustice here on our hands.

A axis of evil is a work...known as the mega department store merchandising spirit of the holiday destroying monster.

I have had enough of this. Last I checked..Thanksgiving had reservations for the fourth Thursday in every November. Under the name Pilgrims and Native Americans. Did you not get the call?

I was shopping last week when all of a sudden the department store announcer came over the loud speaker to announce how many days left till Christmas.

I would prefer you keep that information to yourself..and save that guilt trip for your husband..when you want him to go to Taco Bell and buy you a Fully Loaded Nacho Bowl..but he won't because he is watching football..and you tell him how your uterus gave him two beautiful children and you were treated like a lactating cow for months...and the least he could do was go get you a Full Loaded Nacho Bowl....because they are only for a limited time only...and you went to the liquor store for him last night to get his Vodka and tonic water....

Ooops..I got off on a un-biographical rant...where was I? Oh yes.

How dare they try and pull their holiday shopping mind games on ME!! I am filing a wrongful shopping lawsuit on Thanksgiving's behalf.

Departments stores go straight from Halloween to Christmas....completely skipping over poor Thanksgiving like a forgotten middle child. All for the big green money making machine known as Christmas.

They use Christmas like Michal Lohan uses Lindsay Lohan. Like Joe Jackson uses Michael Jackson's legacy. All they see is $$.

Just because you can't make as much money off Thanksgiving doesn't mean you can just push it aside like a red headed step child with halitosis and a limp in it's walk.

Holidays have feelings to.

Sure, pay all the attention to the over achieving eldest child..thank them for all the great revenue they earned on Halloween costumes and candy for the family....then pick up your youngest baby Jesus and squeeze and cuddle them, tell them how cute they are, thank them for black Friday..then turn to your middle child..Thanksgiving...and tell them to go take out the trash and clean up your toe nail clipping by your bedside.

I must stand up and fight for poor Thanksgiving. It is gonna develop all kinds of middle child syndrome traits if we don't act now. They often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention, can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child, they are loners. They are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by.

I can't have a emotionally unstable Thanksgiving on my calendar. Have it acting like this. Not caring about cooking my turkey...only mashing my potatoes enough for them to qualify as mashed..but they till have lumps in them. I can't have him feeling insecure about his stuffing recipe. He needs to know he belongs in the kitchen..cooking my feast! The Hussy has high standards.

So a note to department store announcers: Please refrain from announcing how many days till Christmas while I am shopping. I am tired of Thanksgiving getting a raw deal. Your attempt to put pressure on me is a waste of your time.

Cause I don't have any money left to spend in your store...I spent all my money on Vodka and Fully Loaded Nachos.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Fight for the Injustice of Monday!

Monday gets a bad rap...and it started with Garfield.

I like to set Monday off right.

Show it a good time, and then pay the tab.

Let it know that while everyone else says they hate him..that I love him like Michale Jackson loved propofol.

That if Monday and Saturday were both drowning, I would save Monday.

I would always ask Monday if they "would accept this rose?"

Take it on the Rock of Love bus with me.

I would never take Monday to "my special little spot"..shove strawberry boones down it's throat and take advantage of it.

Or ever Facebook status update that I was mad that it was here.

You would think with all this..I would get a little Monday love.


This is just a example of how you know your week is off to a fan-tab-u-lous start.
Just another fine example of why I have to pass out booze and pills like Kool-aid and fruit snacks.

Nothing like this to help my "have to be in a bridesmaids dress in 5 days diet plan." You know, when your car smells like pizza for weeks. Good times.

Thank you Monday for always keeping it exciting. What would I do without the spice in my life?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Friday Facts

1. Eagles see better than humans on clear days, humans see better than eagles on foggy days.
2. Sex survey: More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month.
3. Kentucky Fried Chicken's Col. Sanders was actually born in Indiana.
4. The average mattress will double it's weight in ten years as a result of being filled with dust mites and their detritus.
5. Hard to swallow: 9% of the world's ostriches suffer from eating disorders.
6. The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.
7. "Tug of war" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
8. How many hairs on your head? If you're blond, about 150,000, brunette, 100,000, redhead 60,000.
9. There are 10 doctors in the United States whose last name is "Nurse."
10. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.

Monday, November 2, 2009

I am not textually active..I am still waiting to have text with the wrong person.

Ok...that used to be true.

I was not textually active. But then my friends were all doing it. They were all saying how great it was. How if felt good to text and it wouldn't hurt. That nobody had to know. It would make me cooler and more popular.

All I had to do was keep my little dirty texting secret from the police while driving. Do it under the table while at dinner.

I did start to feel the pressure to be in the "Text Crowd." What was I missing out on?
Everyone else was doing it. I wouldn't be hurting anyone. No harm done.

I promised myself to text responsibly. To get on text control immediately!

No texting while driving...(Dangerous)
No texting during dinner or while talking to friends....(Rude)
No texting while on the toilet...(Unsanitary)
*ok..I have broke that one..but I did wash my phone afterwards*

No one-night-texts. Not to give my text messages just out to anyone...it is a special gift. I will wait for the right person. I have to know a person at least 5 minutes before I feel comfortable enough with them to have text.

No haveing multiple text partners...texting hunders of texts a month.

I promised to be safe...I don't want to get any STD's (Stiff Thumb Disorders) that can lead to textitis. I do use protection. I have a protective screen cover.

I am officially Twittering..Facebooking..and Texting on the go...in public. Who knew what I was missing out on all these years.

And remember folks..if you are textually active to..please text reasonably.
Know who you are texting.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday Fright Facts

1. PEZ was invented in Austria by a man named Edward Haasand. He named PEZ after the German world "peppermint." It was an adult breath mint that he decided to market as an alternative for smoking. In 1952 PEZ wanted to expand their sales, so they set their sights on the U.S.A. To make their product more appealing to Americans, they placed heads on the dispensers and marketed it for children.
2. The melting point of cocoa butter is just below the human body temperature -- which is why it literally melts in your mouth.
3. Candy Corn was invented in 1880 by George Renninger of the Wunderlee Candy Co. The three colors of the candy are meant to mimic corn. Each piece is approximately the size of a whole kernel of corn, as if it fell off a ripe or dried ear of corn. The secret ingredient is marshmallows..that is what makes them so soft! It remains one of the best selling Halloween candies of all times.
4. Candy was used as an offering to the gods of ancient Egypt. Honey was used as the sweetener until the introduction of sugar in medieval Europe. Among the oldest types of candies are licorice and ginger from the Far East and marzipan from Europe. Candy making did not begin on a large scale until the early 19th century, when with the development of special candy making machinery it became a British specialty. In the United States the candy industry began to grow rapidly during the mid-19th century with the invention of improved machinery and a cheaper process for powdering sugar. In 1911 the first candy bars were sold in baseball parks; by 1960 candy bars made up almost half of all U.S. candy production.
5. Chewing Gum became an important part of American culture and is often associated with being the catalyst behind the vending business. Early chewing gums were a challenge as they were hard to chew and the flavor, if any, lasted a very short time.
6. Circus peanuts date to the 1800s when they were a seasonal treat and one of the original penny candies. No one knows how circus peanuts got their shape and name or how they long they've been around. One theory is that they originated with the traveling circuses where vendors sold salted peanuts and candy. Spangler Candy Co., is one of the few remaining makers of circus peanuts. People can't wrap their brains around circus peanuts, because they are orange and look like peanuts, they taste like banana. And they are chewier than a traditional marshmallow. Even those who like circus peanuts can't agree whether they are better soft and fresh or stale and hard after sitting out for a week.
7. Flashback of the Candy from the 1980's: 1980's - Atomic Fire Balls, Bit-o-Honey, Bubblicious Radical Red, Candy Necklace, Candy Cigarettes, Charleston Chew Chocolate, Lemonheads, Wonka Tart ‘n Tiny, Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Pixy Stix, Ass’t Saf’T’Pops, Jawbusters, Now & Later-Grape, Now & Later, Wax Fangs, Wax Bottles, Clark Bar, Laffy Taffy Watermelon, Bottlecaps, Zours, Astro Pops & Cinnamon Toothpicks.
8. OK,OK I will give some of you hippi's the candy form the 1970's: Rocky Road Milk Chocolate Bar, Clark Bar, Pixy Stix, Tart 'N Tiny, Gold Rock Nugget Bubble Gum, Goobers, Bubble Gum Cigar, Charms Assorted Squares, Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Wonka Strawberry/Banana Laffy Taffy, Slo-Poke Jr. Suckers, C. Howard Lemon Mints, Boston Beans, Cherryheads, Red Licorice Pipes, Willy Wonka Chocolate Bar, Necco Chocolate Wafers, Sugar Lips Wax Chewing Gum, Double Bubble Bubble Gum, Candy Buttons, Caramel Bun Bar, Charms Sweet & Sour Pops, Razzles Candy/Gum, Nestle's Oh Henry Candy Bar, Wonka Bottlecaps, Teaberry Gum, Strawberry Pop Rocks, Sen-Sen Breath Refreshments, Zotz Candy, Reeds Rootbeer Candies, and Nik-L-Nip Wax Bottles.
9. Halloween is the holiday with the highest candy sales, followed by Easter, Christmas and Valentine's Day.
10. Candy is made simply by dissolving sugar in water. The different heating levels determine the types of candy: Hot temperatures make hard candy, medium heat will make soft candy and cool temperatures make chewy candy.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Halloween: A excuse for girls to dress like sluts

What the heck is going on.

Since when did Halloween turn into "Dress like a Hooker Day?"

Did I miss the memo?

Well, I guess I did.

Which is fine for adults...if that is what you want to do...

to make yourself feel young and frisky..
to have a day where people don't whisper, "I heard she was a slut" behind your back like they did in highschool ...or
to get more candy from strangers....or
to make your husband not regret that he didn't marry that one slut back in college..or
to try and get all your son's friends to think you are a MILF...in hopes of snagging a Stifler.

Just let me know, and I will make sure to bring lots of dollar bills out in the occasion. To put down your bra..while I talk behind your back about how you look like a slut...*cough* I am *jealous* *cough*, and how I could dress like that before I had two kids if I wanted to....
and then I could tell you to put that money toward your monthly prescription that you take for low self esteem that you must have. Cause why else would someone dress like that?

BUT, where I draw the line (yes, I do have a few morals) is the fact that are selling slutty versions of Halloween costume for young girls. I mean like toddler and up-aged girls. Miley Cyrus would be sooo disappointed in you little hussy's in training.

Not to mention..me loosing my job security.

When I bought my 3 year old daughters Wizard of Oz Dorothy dress...I bought it a few sizes to big..because they had is soooo short..that her bum was hanging out.

Really people? For a 3 year old? That is sick. And we wonder why we have so many pedophiles out there.

I am sure there is a conspiracy behind this.

Are strip clubs using this Holiday as a personal job fair-recruitment day?
Are they hurting for business in this bad economy?

Well..I will be dammed is they are gonna try and recruit my daughter.

So...if after Halloween..my daughter asks for a stripper pole for Christmas..should I be concerned?

Friday, October 23, 2009

You say Miracle Whip..I say Mayo

It is all right war at this point up in the sandwich spread world...of wonderful goodness. The butter knives have been drawn out and are ready for some spreading.

This Hussy is living in the Mayo side of town..Mayoville. I dare anyone to try and get me to move..get me to switch spreads. I will make fry sauce out of you faster than you can say hydrogenated oil.

Why am I coming off so hostile? What happened? Well..the Miracle Whip advertisers have gone to far...made one to many dips at us Mayo-ers expense. Making me about to bust a egg yolk!

There latest ad campaign. "Don't Be So Mayo" has clearly ruffled my taste buds. They think they are all that with their tangy zip taste..more spices..sweeter taste. Just take look:

Don't blend in? Don't be ordinary? Boring or Bland? In other words.. don't be so Mayo? Threating ME to not tone it down?

Sine when id your hip-ness determined my what spread you use? Who is behind this spread campaign? I am coming for you.

You can take your supposed own, unique, one of a kind flavor and go sit out on the counter with your lid off at room temperature!

They are nothing but a dressing. We over here in Mayoville..we are a main staple ingredient. A thick condiment....and after I get done petitioning the Food and Drug Administration..we will be our own food group. Part of the food pyramid.

How many recipes do you see call for Miracle Whip? Exactly. The Only thing you that is a miracle ..is that you have survived in the sandwich spreadable world this long. All you have to look at is our name Best Foods...enough said.

Besides..do you have a Holiday named after you? No. I didn't think so.

Cinco de Mayo...you better check your egg whites and vinegar! Don't mess with my condiment.

Would I like a little food with my mayo? Why yes..thank you.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Facebook..where everyone knows your name

...and what you are doing.
What you are thinking.
Who your friends are.
If you like/dislike something.
Who thinks their kids are sure cute.
How mad everyone is on Monday, and happy on Friday's
Who's kids are annoying the crap out of them.
Who needs coffee in the morning...or they will surly die.
How everyone feels about the weather.
Who is good at Bejeweled Blitz. (me<---)
Which of your friends wake up early to play Farmville...and feed their virtual animals. (Yeah..crazy huh?)
Who is addicted to Mafia wars...and needs help.
What dumb quiz's your friends are taking.

You also get people who pass out virtual hugs..kisses..and rounds of drinks. While this is the more sanitary version..and helps prevent the spreading of the swine flu..I don't find any comfort in a virtual drink. It is very sobering...and not in a good way.

Facebook is a Pandora's box of sorts, a window into people minds and private worlds. Once you are in..well...you may not ever get out. I must admit I am fully addicted. This addiction MAY have even led to me neglecting my blog here...gasp...I know. Guilty <------

I have decided to change my evil..cheating ways though..I promise. I will spend more time with you here. It is just that Facebook was such a new relationship..I got so caught up in honeymoon stage of it. He was paying more attention to me..and I felt neglected around here. I promise it was just a short affair. No feelings involved. I never loved him.

I think I just got addicted to the idea of "us" over there. We just had made so many friends together. I did try to break up with him once, but he wouldn't let me go. He threatened to erase me/keep me away from all 340+ of my friends. I just couldn't break up will ALL those friends.

Is there a social network rehab facility available? Anyone know?
No? Good..I really didn't want help anyways.

You may ask yourself..what is all the hype about anyway? Why are millions of American's sacrificing sleep? Risking loosing their jobs due to the distraction/decrease in their work production?

It all boils down to a simple answer. Humans crave the need to connect with people. Cheers was onto the idea..but they had beer. Facebook just took it to a whole new level...and just passed out vitual beer.

Here is the Facebook twist..you know the tune:

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to login in to Facebook

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can status update,
that our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name and status update.

What can I say..I am a victim of Facebook circumstances.

Don't for get to go my Facebook account..and add me as your friend..you know..cause....I like to spread and support anything that may turn into a addiction or require antibiotics..